If The Walls Had A Heart

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my innocence
When I grew to be hated
Confused and asking why to the room

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my anger
Of redemption that I never got
From the God I prayed for help

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my pain
Of all that I been through
Failing to heal the wounds

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my need
To escape this cruel world
One suicide attempt after another

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my resentment
Trying to learn how to forgive
By blaming my self for everything

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel the hurt
That love filled me with
While hitting me to the walls

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my soul
How truly broken I am
But always faking my strength

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my heart break apart
As the world curse me with mental illness
And unloved I felt with so many questions

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Insomnia

When the night falls upon us
And most souls lurks their snore
I lay awake in my sleep
Tossing and turning every second
Like I have bugs in my bed
The demons of the night wrestle my soul
And my mind drowning in thoughts
While my hearts breaking apart
Reminiscing about my struggles
Till my body shut still
Feeling numb yet still in pain
Tears falling like rainfall
Why, filled my mind with anger
Asleep is God upon me
While the devil troubles my sorrow
Depression took away my sleep
Anxiety introduced me to Insomnia
Awake I become during the night
Exhausting my life become each day.

©Kitty Minaj

Dear November Pain

Sorry if I don’t look happy to see you but I am. It’s been rough for me these past weeks…years I must say. I gave up on my dreams years ago because I thought maybe I asked for to much therefore all I wanted was to be happy even for just one moment. What is happiness? Till this day, I dont know how it feels like to be happy truly happy.

To smile with no soul drowning inside. To smile with true passion. To smile with a real smile, a smile that won’t Break you apart or consume your heart. A real smile…um, November forget that. I know now that wont happen. It’s a lot to take in. And I thought I was strong enough but I am not. It’s been rough lately can’t even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

November, I am lost. So lost, I dont even know who I am. Definitely not me. I so scared. Everything is falling apart. I’m pushing away a boy that loves me with my mental health. A guy that loves me for me and is always there. I’m pushing away my parents, it hurts when they around me trying to show me love. I’m pushing away everyone that believes in me because I am not that girl no more. I’m just not me.

How do I deal with that, November? How do I get myself back. Where can I found the kitty I know and loved. The broken girl that never feared herself, she was free to do everything with passion and love because that made feel alive, less broken. I am scared, I dont know what to do. And all I know is that pills dont heal, and so are doctors. I’ve been battling with my depression and anxiety for year and I’m only getting worse.

How do I help my self. I do I escape reality when it’s this painful. It hurts so much November, it hurts and I just want it to stop. Even if it’s for a moment. Please make it stop. I want to be normal, I want to be happy and not moody all the time. Please help me. I can’t function for another day…my mind is literally damaged. My brain hurts so much and heart, I no longer can feel it beat. Sucks right…

As I am writing this. I hope, you’ll have mercy on me. Because I dont have anybody to help me out or tell me otherwise. Please let me breath without suffocating and let the tears dry for a little because they’re burn so hard. Please, numb my pain even for a day. Please Dear November. Bandage my wounds even without healing them…it’s a battle to live in ur own mind/dimension.

©Kitty Minaj

Engulfed

Twinkling star beneath my feet
Yet my sky is shaded black
Take me high above the moon
Let me cry out like a wolf
Fill my soul just like the night
Let me rest without a scare
Hold me tight, be my demon
Free my mind and let me smile.

©Kitty Minaj

Troubles Never End

I took a leap of faith
And dried my tears
I looked beyond the pain
And consoled my sorrows
I forgave my choices
And celebrated my mistakes
I held my self up
And let go of my regrets
I moved on from the past
And planned my future
I learned to love myself
And I found true love
But all of that couldn’t heal my scars
And my wounds got worser
For trouble never ends.

©Kitty Minaj

Lamentation

I am lost
The darkness surrounds me
It’s getting so cold
I’m all alone
With no one to hold
My world is so empty
All what’s left is pain
No sunshine to light up my way
Just never ending rain
I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying.

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

If The Wind Had A Heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to touch
Would it hold me very tight
And dry away my tears

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to see
Would it surround my sorrow
And blew away my broken heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to feel
Would it blew apart
As it notice the pain inside

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to care
Would it feel my struggles
And chase away my pain

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to love
Would it always blew around me
And fill me with joy

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to heal
Would it numb my wounds
Or fade away the scars

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to decide
Would it let me live in misery
Or let me rest in peace??

©Kitty Minaj

Life Is Hard

Life is hard, no kidding.

The moment we were born, we’re expected to face life like it’s just a walk in a park even thought in that situation we can barely walk. You see, how life is? One is expected to do something while they can’t do anything. Example, I am expected to breath through the blockage in my throat and the baggage in my chest but fact is I can’t breathe. And reality is that I have to battle with that not even everyday but every time I try to think.

Just a thought, could lend me to the floor struggling to gasp for that air. And when I inhale that little oxygen, the moment I try to exhale the carbon dioxide I’d be tortured. The gas will weaken my lungs and burn my chest while my heart beats fast trying to save it’s own soul. When you’re about to give up, anxiety decide to let you be.

A baby cries when they are born because of the discomfort of another dimension, different place or setting is really terrifying; they don’t know the aspects they about to face and they don’t know nor understand why they have to be removed from there comfort zone. Comfort is safe and the unknown is scary. But life is not like that, it’s a roller coaster they say, in fact it’s like a game for me.

Life is a game because there are a lot of stages we have to go through, and each stage gets harder and harder, and never easier. Trust me. If someone told you that life gets easier with time, they lied big time, because time is just growth and experience. It has nothing to do with life. If so, don’t you think that our elders would be living their best life, rich or poor, they’ll be celebrating their rewards.

Life is different and upsetting; because we are going through a lot and most of our pain is really deep. Sad thing is that we don’t know why we’re going through what we’re going through: did we do something wrong that now we’re punished for or are we cursed? Confusing because some of us the pain never disappear, from stage to stage the pain continues like our purpose in life is to bare pain.

The unknown is what makes things very hard about living this life. This life is precious I must state, very precious filled with amazing wonders and experiences. We have been granted the gift to learn and explore the beauty of life. With blessing comes a curse, when push comes a shave and the world seem to sit on your shoulder, can’t help but break down and wish life had a handbook or something you can refer to for answers.

Just imagine how easy life would be if we had a book to refer for answers. When we have questions like why am I dark and my friend is light, why am I born in this family and why do I have low blood etc etc. It would be so much easier to be who we wish to be because at that point we would know exactly what our purpose in life is. Sadly that’s a myth.

Life is hard and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is master our patience and have faith in our hearts. Love, as much as it hurts it’s a blessing and a drug of life, it fills us up with passion and happiness. So hold on to that love, but only the kind of love that transform your heart and consume your mind with anger and pleasure. And that can also be self-love.

It’s hard to overcome pain, especially when it’s emotional and mental pain. It’s life, lets accept it, we don’t choose the book cover of our story but all we can do is just write it. We are given a choice to narrate our lives. Destiny depend on us even though faith is what we can’t rewrite nor change. Life is hard and we’re strong therefore lets keep breathing till the end. I wish you well, and I hope you will rewrite your book of life with strength and positivity.

©Kitty Minaj