Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Dispirited

Growing up was hard but I was always cheerful. I had so much hope for the future. I thought this won’t last forever and I believed that tomorrow is going to be better. I used to cry at night ever since I was 9 and the only thing that kept me going was my own motivation; I’d look at myself in the mirror so confused, not knowing why I have to face all this pain and all I could say to my reflection was, ‘Everything is going to be okay, you’ll be fine Lydia. You be fine I promise.’

13 years later, is no difference. The pain has got even more worse and it’s hard to motivate my self or stay positive. Guess negativity filled my sorrow. I am not cheerful about the future in fact I am more terrified, I don’t want to see tomorrow because I believe it’s going to be worse than today. I can feel my wisdom fading painful away with regards of being a saint. I did everything right in this world, I was a good girl but why am I being punished, I have no idea.

I no longer cry everyday at night, because tears hurt so much. But I still cry a lot though, I even break down in malls or taxi or in the middle of my loved ones. I can no longer hold it inside and I can’t fake it either, the mask is no longer strong enough. I’ve lost the girl I was and was meant to be. Every hope and dreams I had is just down the drain. Drowning in my sorrow. I can’t help my self even if I try. The pains is much stronger. The wounds are deeper. My life is not moving, it’s currently critically stable. I have no idea how to deal with it.

My soul is suffering. Everyday I am challenge with a new sickness, an unknown sickness. I have to see doctors and sleep in hospitals without getting any better. My body would shut down, I’d collapse, shiver all the time or just be out of breath, painful headache, chest burn, stomach cramps or aching joints, whole body aching, mind going blank, loss of memory and aching mind, yet all the doctors just say that I am fine, they see nothing, it’s just anxiety, I’m just stressed. How am I not allowed to be stress if I feel everything in me hurting?

I knew this year wouldn’t be my year. I made a vow to kill myself before new year 2020 but because mom was around, all I could think of was that she was going to die too. So I stayed alive because I though I was strong enough more than mom but my strength is gone and I believe I wasn’t meant to be alive. I was blessed with grate parents and an amazing boyfriend whose always there yet being around them haunts me so much. They can’t help me, and that makes me so sad. I can’t explain to them what the hell is going on because I also don’t know either.

My parents says I am curse, I am starting to believe them but who would want to see me suffer and why would they bewitch me? I am just a nobody and I don’t have anybody but tree people. These past weeks have been seriously hard and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. I need rest. I pushed away my parent because I can’t bother them anymore. I am constantly fighting with my boyfriend everyday because I don’t trust myself. I am literally going insane and my mental pills are hurting my brain.

I am trying and I tried. But this life doesn’t seem to accommodate me. I am not going to try and kill myself no more. I am going to live and feel the pain I’ll let it hurt as I lock myself indoors and hope to desiccate. This life is strange and hard work don’t guarantee success. It’s not what you make of it. It’s what makes of you. I lost me searching for a better me. I’m struggling to breath trying to live. Maybe I am not thinking straight mentally but guess I am just mentally ill. So spare me.

To everyone suffering with mental illness or struggling with life. Just know positivity is good, being negative can only make you feel more insane and sick. Crying everyday, trust me, is not healthy for a mental patient. Don’t lose your PASSION, because it’s the only thing that can make you feel alive and normal. Writing makes feel normal and that’s why I write everyday even if it’s nothing exciting but it excites me. I feel loved and peaceful when I am writing. Secure your passion, it’s the only thing that can help you in this hell-hole.

©Kitty Minaj

Insomnia

When the night falls upon us
And most souls lurks their snore
I lay awake in my sleep
Tossing and turning every second
Like I have bugs in my bed
The demons of the night wrestle my soul
And my mind drowning in thoughts
While my hearts breaking apart
Reminiscing about my struggles
Till my body shut still
Feeling numb yet still in pain
Tears falling like rainfall
Why, filled my mind with anger
Asleep is God upon me
While the devil troubles my sorrow
Depression took away my sleep
Anxiety introduced me to Insomnia
Awake I become during the night
Exhausting my life become each day.

©Kitty Minaj

Dear November Pain

Sorry if I don’t look happy to see you but I am. It’s been rough for me these past weeks…years I must say. I gave up on my dreams years ago because I thought maybe I asked for to much therefore all I wanted was to be happy even for just one moment. What is happiness? Till this day, I dont know how it feels like to be happy truly happy.

To smile with no soul drowning inside. To smile with true passion. To smile with a real smile, a smile that won’t Break you apart or consume your heart. A real smile…um, November forget that. I know now that wont happen. It’s a lot to take in. And I thought I was strong enough but I am not. It’s been rough lately can’t even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

November, I am lost. So lost, I dont even know who I am. Definitely not me. I so scared. Everything is falling apart. I’m pushing away a boy that loves me with my mental health. A guy that loves me for me and is always there. I’m pushing away my parents, it hurts when they around me trying to show me love. I’m pushing away everyone that believes in me because I am not that girl no more. I’m just not me.

How do I deal with that, November? How do I get myself back. Where can I found the kitty I know and loved. The broken girl that never feared herself, she was free to do everything with passion and love because that made feel alive, less broken. I am scared, I dont know what to do. And all I know is that pills dont heal, and so are doctors. I’ve been battling with my depression and anxiety for year and I’m only getting worse.

How do I help my self. I do I escape reality when it’s this painful. It hurts so much November, it hurts and I just want it to stop. Even if it’s for a moment. Please make it stop. I want to be normal, I want to be happy and not moody all the time. Please help me. I can’t function for another day…my mind is literally damaged. My brain hurts so much and heart, I no longer can feel it beat. Sucks right…

As I am writing this. I hope, you’ll have mercy on me. Because I dont have anybody to help me out or tell me otherwise. Please let me breath without suffocating and let the tears dry for a little because they’re burn so hard. Please, numb my pain even for a day. Please Dear November. Bandage my wounds even without healing them…it’s a battle to live in ur own mind/dimension.

©Kitty Minaj

Time To Let Go

It’s time to grow up
I’ve been messed up a lot
For I refused to let you go
Was afraid to be left alone

But you’ve played with my mind
While wounding my heart
And breaking my trust
Now I am scared to love

I’ve watched you walk out
Came back and fuck me around
Your spear of lust, hurts so much
And your kisses left me bruised

I found my heart in your trash
Why would you make me feel this worthless
How could I let you mistreat my love
Guess it’s time to let you go now.

©Kitty Minaj

Help Me!

Help me, I am barely alive
Roaming the dark streets like a thug
Counting the stars from up above
Seeking a way to live my life
Or just a hand to help me up
Searching for a soul to better my life
Or a word to lie that I am loved
Instead of voices screaming I should die
Breaking my soul and wrecking my heart
Confusing my purpose and ruining my smile
Banished is how I feel inside
With no one around to tell me otherwise
But the scars of the wounds I carry,
That hurts more than life itself
So I pled for you to feel my pain
Numb the misery inside
Help me heal or take away my life
For I am barely alive

©Kitty Minaj

Troubles Never End

I took a leap of faith
And dried my tears
I looked beyond the pain
And consoled my sorrows
I forgave my choices
And celebrated my mistakes
I held my self up
And let go of my regrets
I moved on from the past
And planned my future
I learned to love myself
And I found true love
But all of that couldn’t heal my scars
And my wounds got worser
For trouble never ends.

©Kitty Minaj

Never Letting Go

Why do I stay when I want to go?
Is it because I have hope?
Or maybe it is because I don’t want to be alone.
I stay and all I do is complain.
Complain that I might be going insane.
Insane of the thought that it might be my fault.
But who is to blame?
Is it me or is it him?
Neither one of us will go.
Although we know we must go,
All we do is ignore the pain
Of all the words we exchange.
I know I must go, but I don’t know.
If I go, I will be alone.
But why do I stay?
Only to hear him say,
“You’re to blame for all my unhappiness and pain.”
I know I’m not to blame for the choices he has made.
So I stay, hoping he will grow,
Grow in love and be consoled knowing I will never go.

Lamentation

I am lost
The darkness surrounds me
It’s getting so cold
I’m all alone
With no one to hold
My world is so empty
All what’s left is pain
No sunshine to light up my way
Just never ending rain
I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying.

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj