Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

BOOK SALE

20210424_081221-2

How To Smile When You’re Dying Inside

We all have that one day, were you can not even if you try, share a smile. A day so blurry that we struggle to face, struggle to avoid and it lurks in deep that it kills the only muscle that brightens a day. So what do you do when a day blurs in your eyes and everything around you explores with no sound but hurts in your heart and you can not seem to share a smile?

$2.99

Best Friend

Like a lightning ray clamming from afar
I wished for a shooting star
A wish that could redeem my heart
A soul that could save my life
An extra breath that could warm my skin
A truest life that consume my loneliness
But like a star it’s out of my reach
A distant faith I longed to have 
But a cursed soul I remain alone
With no smile to share the scars
No laughter to endorse the silence
Enchanted a broken love it is
Tears rejoiced my twisted faith
Walls filled my unspoken words
Pain took over my darkest world
Demons became my remedy
A best friend I longed to have
Is a shadow that left my sight.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Will I Break?

Will I break?
If I decide to forgive
Not just me but everyone
Including love for everything he did and will still do

Will I break?
If I stripped down naked
And he sees all he wanted to see
Including the flaws and insecurities

Will I break?
If I let him mend my broken heart
Trusting he won’t break it more
As I let him see my vulnerability

Will I break?
If I just love him without fear
Being all that he needs and wants
And never expecting his love back

Will I break?
If I just put my trust in him
And never doubt his love
Yet appreciate all his effort and the years

Will I break?
If I just forget about this question
Because he knows my issues yet his still here
Imperfect yet he holds me like a goddess.

©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

If The Walls Had A Heart

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my innocence
When I grew to be hated
Confused and asking why to the room

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my anger
Of redemption that I never got
From the God I prayed for help

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my pain
Of all that I been through
Failing to heal the wounds

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my need
To escape this cruel world
One suicide attempt after another

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my resentment
Trying to learn how to forgive
By blaming my self for everything

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel the hurt
That love filled me with
While hitting me to the walls

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my soul
How truly broken I am
But always faking my strength

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my heart break apart
As the world curse me with mental illness
And unloved I felt with so many questions

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

How Do I Forgive?

How do you forgive?
The smile that brighten your day
But now darkening your faith
Yet you can’t seem to let go

How do you forgive?
The eyes that showed you peace
But now showing you pain
Yet you can’t seem to let go

How do you forgive?
The warmth of his touch
But now feels so cold
Yet you can’t seem to let go

How do you forgive?
The pleasure that filled you up
But now breaking you apart
Yet you can’t seem to let go

How do you forgive?
The only heart that was made for you
But now just confusingly distant
Yet you can’t let go

How do you forgive?
The one that showed you love
But now breaking your heart
Yet you can’t let go

How do I forgive?
You, the one I love so much
But now hate with all my being
Yet resentment I remain without letting go.

©Kitty Minaj

Love Is Compromise

I Know Forever When I Look In Your Eyes
And I Feel Forever When I Lay In Your Arms
Today Might Not Be Alright
Yet Tomorrow Is A Promise If We Stick Together All Night
Love Is A Compromise
And I Compromise My Freedom
So Use Me Till Infinity
I Swear This Feels Right
For I Love You So Much.

©Kitty Minaj