Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Jan I’m Worried

I am glad to see you, January. You’ve always been the better month of them all and I am delighted that you’re here. It’s a new year and I am so pleased to have been granted a chance to be here. To make new choices and discover more about myself and who I am meant to be. But I am so worried about the next chapter…
I never thought that I would write the same things I wrote in the past year but I am worried. This should be a writing about the excitement of the new year but instead I am writing about what’s depressing me lately. Change is always been challenging. It’s just hard. I am scared of it. I don’t want to change but I have to.
Everything around me is changing, the beauty of the flower I used to love, the youth of my own parents, the eyes of my own reflections, the heart of my lover and the actions of all the people I used to know. The most terrifying change of all is the growth of my age.
I love who I was before and I still do but does independence comes with a notebook or request because somehow I feel like I need to change who I am just so I can fit in into the dynamite? What is change exactly, is it the format of changing who you are for a better new you or is it the format of changing what’s around you to accommodate your own desires?
I am worried to take the next step in life because I don’t want to be hurt no more. And I’m worried that also me being worried could result in me hurting my faith and self even more. Therefore what do I do when the cruelty of not knowing troubles my soul.
January, I pled to you to help me figure out the way forward. I need to move on in this musty road I face. I hope you’ll be there to guard me and help me through.
And please help everyone make better choice for this new year. Let everyone enjoy with love and success. And please, January, deal with covid-19, his trying to possess our lives, make a plan to stop his evil plans.

To change
Love new year.
©Kitty Minaj

Happy New Year

Happy New Year
Love Called at 23:59
But anger pushed it away
At 00:00 love come with a huge smile
I didnt know why a new year was happy
Until love held my hand
It gave me hope
And it told me, this is a new start
You’re free, to change for us
To forgive for love
To accept the doings of nature
Love then squeeze me so tight
In the arms of love I felt pain
Then love said, it’s going to be okay
I am not going anywhere
I’ll be here when you need me
Love then kissed my forehead
And said, happy new year, mental patient
I giggled, and couldn’t stop smiling
It was a happy NEW YEAR INDEED.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

©Kitty Minaj

If The Wind Had A Heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to touch
Would it hold me very tight
And dry away my tears

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to see
Would it surround my sorrow
And blew away my broken heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to feel
Would it blew apart
As it notice the pain inside

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to care
Would it feel my struggles
And chase away my pain

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to love
Would it always blew around me
And fill me with joy

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to heal
Would it numb my wounds
Or fade away the scars

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to decide
Would it let me live in misery
Or let me rest in peace??

©Kitty Minaj

How Do I Love Me?

How Do I Love Me?
I asked, looking at the reflation of a broken girl
Her eyes blood red
She doesn’t want to be alive

How do I love me?
When I can’t stop the overflowing tears
That comes like a heavy rain
Even when I am very happy

How do I love me?
With all this pain in my chest
And anxiety choking my neck
While depression destroys my brain

How do I love me?
With all the abuses from my past
And voices telling me I am not enough
I’ll never make it alive

How do I love me?
When everytime I wake up with a smile
They throw stones of hate at me
Complaining that I act better than them

How do I love me?
With all the suicidal attempts
Selfishly praying to die
Trying to escape reality

How do I love me?
When you don’t even love me
Hurting me with your lust
And pushing me away with you lie

How do I love me?
When I feel so alone
With no where to hide nor run
And no one to call or talk too

Truth is I do love me?
As me, broken and bruised
Alone and cold with passion
Unloved but alive yet dead inside.

©Kitty Minaj

Believe That It Will Happen

I doubted my self yesterday, I was careful because I believed and was scared that I was going to fall and ops I did fall so hard, to the point that it was hard getting up.
It’s funny how depression could be a blessing and a curse at the same time.
You find your self struggling to make it through a day with the negative thoughts that keeps lurking in; but with depression it allows you to be like, ‘It’s okay everything will be fine eventually, you just got to keep going.’
With the help of my depression, today I woke up feeling really motivated. I understand that mistakes have to be made once in a while, or more for perfection. I understand that I need to fall maybe a million time to finally learn to get up, and stand right and firm.
Time has no limit and it allows you to redo everything all over again. Patience is bliss.
So today, I am going to try and… no I am going to face all of my goals and make them come true. I believe in them as much as they believe in me. I know there is a huge possibility that I might fall but guess what I’ll have to be the judge of that because even when I get down I know at least I tried my best to stay firm. And trying is the greatest success in the whole in tire world.
Therefore when the world seems cold and blur, know that there is always a way to flip a coin. Believe in the vision you need the most, trust that it’ll happen and make it happen. Treat it has a project with deadline and pursue it with a clear mind and an open heart. Because when you believe in it, it eventually comes true.
Be patient
Love Kitty♡

Restart

Ready for my fresh start
But just like art,
I need to follow my heart
And take it step by step at a time
I need to make decisions that a smart
Be able to set my goals apart
Because in life it’s okay to restart
To take your time and make things right
And let go of all your baggage, sweetheart
You always have a chance for a new start
A fresh start

March Motivation

Dear March

As I am writing this latter, I am deep in tears but don’t worry I am about to wipe them away.
See, life hasn’t been easy for me at all. For about 12 years now; I’ve been through hell and back, kissed the demons and dated the devil, my soul lived in fire and my heart was drowning in lava, and for long time I longed for rain but only thunder came like rainbow.
Depression became my worst enemy. But he taught me to be kind and be a better person, he gave me so much strength and power letting me know I can do anything I set my mind into but he also reminded me that life is controlled by nature and every decisions we make have to be approved by nature, and I realize that nature is not by my self, it doesn’t favor me any how.
It took me a long time to accept the girl looking back at me in the mirror but with anxiety, you learn to accept your flaws because when anxiety strikes, you feel your whole life caving in on you and the more you try to break out it’s the more it close in on you to the point that you can barely breathe. Then for a while you learn to relax and that’s when you’re able to breath again.
Its not fun to take mental pills, it hurts when you have to depend on the mood pill to keep your moods in-check and to depend on the sleeping pills to keep you from restless nights. But life is a journey, March, and I am learning everyday because looking back its been a long roller coaster and a never ending one.
Yesterday I went to bed, with a mind set on giving up on life because I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. It hurts to be alive and that’s a fact. And more painful to breath with mental illness but death isn’t an opinion. I don’t know why I am alive but I am willing to explore my purpose again.
Today I woke up really sad but that motivated me to work on myself. I don’t like this feeling at all. I am going to keep working as hard as I used to because giving up is now who I am. I love to write, March, and that’s what makes me feel alive and loved, I will live to write and express my feelings to the world while helping others whom are going through what I am going through, I want to let them know that they are not alone even though they feel alone. I don’t have a friend or anybody to talk too but my blog.
Therefore today I am choosing to succeed in my failures. I am choosing to work hard and keep my dreams alive. I wont try anything else that’s going to break my heart. I wont try to make money at all. I will keep writing with no financial benefit because writing makes me happy.
I am going to let my fashion control my moods. Style makes me feel loved and normal in a unique way. I will exercise everyday to gain my self-esteem and read everyday to keep my mind healthy. I will eat as much as I can to keep my life in balance.
And I need your help March, to make all these goals come true. I ask for you to be kind on me. You’re support will be much appreciated.
MARCH.

Love
Kitty

Tranquil

With all the bad deeds thats happening in my life
And with depression trying to break me apart
Struggling to breath with these Anxiety attacks
Facing the walls of failure that i can’t break
Today i took time to let go of this pain
The baggage is heavy
Yet peace is free
So i took a breath
And let tranquil fill my life

Last Day Of The Year

Last day of the year
Where the soil is dry
And the rain is exhausted
Letting the sun shine apon us
For new opportunity
And fresh mind set
Allowing us to move on
And leave the past behind
Forgetting about the bad in 2019
As we drink all night tonight
With nothing but excitement in our hearts
Sharing love with everyone around
Including those who did us wrong.

On this last day,
I’d like to say thank you to everyone
For being strong and hardworking
I am trilled to be alive
And bless to see this last day.
This year wasn’t easy for me
Infact it was the hardest
But with support and love
Pills and true inspirations
I am gratrful to see this day.

Therefore on this day,
I hope you’ll enjoy
And start afresh
May the dead rest in peace
Good Luck for next year
See you there.❤

Good bye 2019