Trapped by my own mind When life became unkind I was broken inside Nothing in my life was right My world was falling apart Humanity continued to rip my heart I had no where to run Got to pull a trigger in this gun For time couldn’t heal my pain Wounds was all I could gain Rapped by my own fears Drowning in my own tears Scotch by expectations Wrinkled was the situation A life in darkness I remained in my own nest Being alive felt like a crime Wrinkle was my time
I am glad to see you, January. You’ve always been the better month of them all and I am delighted that you’re here. It’s a new year and I am so pleased to have been granted a chance to be here. To make new choices and discover more about myself and who I am meant to be. But I am so worried about the next chapter… I never thought that I would write the same things I wrote in the past year but I am worried. This should be a writing about the excitement of the new year but instead I am writing about what’s depressing me lately. Change is always been challenging. It’s just hard. I am scared of it. I don’t want to change but I have to. Everything around me is changing, the beauty of the flower I used to love, the youth of my own parents, the eyes of my own reflections, the heart of my lover and the actions of all the people I used to know. The most terrifying change of all is the growth of my age. I love who I was before and I still do but does independence comes with a notebook or request because somehow I feel like I need to change who I am just so I can fit in into the dynamite? What is change exactly, is it the format of changing who you are for a better new you or is it the format of changing what’s around you to accommodate your own desires? I am worried to take the next step in life because I don’t want to be hurt no more. And I’m worried that also me being worried could result in me hurting my faith and self even more. Therefore what do I do when the cruelty of not knowing troubles my soul. January, I pled to you to help me figure out the way forward. I need to move on in this musty road I face. I hope you’ll be there to guard me and help me through. And please help everyone make better choice for this new year. Let everyone enjoy with love and success. And please, January, deal with covid-19, his trying to possess our lives, make a plan to stop his evil plans.
Happy New Year Love Called at 23:59 But anger pushed it away At 00:00 love come with a huge smile I didnt know why a new year was happy Until love held my hand It gave me hope And it told me, this is a new start You’re free, to change for us To forgive for love To accept the doings of nature Love then squeeze me so tight In the arms of love I felt pain Then love said, it’s going to be okay I am not going anywhere I’ll be here when you need me Love then kissed my forehead And said, happy new year, mental patient I giggled, and couldn’t stop smiling It was a happy NEW YEAR INDEED.
I doubted my self yesterday, I was careful because I believed and was scared that I was going to fall and ops I did fall so hard, to the point that it was hard getting up. It’s funny how depression could be a blessing and a curse at the same time. You find your self struggling to make it through a day with the negative thoughts that keeps lurking in; but with depression it allows you to be like, ‘It’s okay everything will be fine eventually, you just got to keep going.’ With the help of my depression, today I woke up feeling really motivated. I understand that mistakes have to be made once in a while, or more for perfection. I understand that I need to fall maybe a million time to finally learn to get up, and stand right and firm. Time has no limit and it allows you to redo everything all over again. Patience is bliss. So today, I am going to try and… no I am going to face all of my goals and make them come true. I believe in them as much as they believe in me. I know there is a huge possibility that I might fall but guess what I’ll have to be the judge of that because even when I get down I know at least I tried my best to stay firm. And trying is the greatest success in the whole in tire world. Therefore when the world seems cold and blur, know that there is always a way to flip a coin. Believe in the vision you need the most, trust that it’ll happen and make it happen. Treat it has a project with deadline and pursue it with a clear mind and an open heart. Because when you believe in it, it eventually comes true. Be patient Love Kitty♡
Ready for my fresh start But just like art, I need to follow my heart And take it step by step at a time I need to make decisions that a smart Be able to set my goals apart Because in life it’s okay to restart To take your time and make things right And let go of all your baggage, sweetheart You always have a chance for a new start A fresh start
As I am writing this latter, I am deep in tears but don’t worry I am about to wipe them away. See, life hasn’t been easy for me at all. For about 12 years now; I’ve been through hell and back, kissed the demons and dated the devil, my soul lived in fire and my heart was drowning in lava, and for long time I longed for rain but only thunder came like rainbow. Depression became my worst enemy. But he taught me to be kind and be a better person, he gave me so much strength and power letting me know I can do anything I set my mind into but he also reminded me that life is controlled by nature and every decisions we make have to be approved by nature, and I realize that nature is not by my self, it doesn’t favor me any how. It took me a long time to accept the girl looking back at me in the mirror but with anxiety, you learn to accept your flaws because when anxiety strikes, you feel your whole life caving in on you and the more you try to break out it’s the more it close in on you to the point that you can barely breathe. Then for a while you learn to relax and that’s when you’re able to breath again. Its not fun to take mental pills, it hurts when you have to depend on the mood pill to keep your moods in-check and to depend on the sleeping pills to keep you from restless nights. But life is a journey, March, and I am learning everyday because looking back its been a long roller coaster and a never ending one. Yesterday I went to bed, with a mind set on giving up on life because I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. It hurts to be alive and that’s a fact. And more painful to breath with mental illness but death isn’t an opinion. I don’t know why I am alive but I am willing to explore my purpose again. Today I woke up really sad but that motivated me to work on myself. I don’t like this feeling at all. I am going to keep working as hard as I used to because giving up is now who I am. I love to write, March, and that’s what makes me feel alive and loved, I will live to write and express my feelings to the world while helping others whom are going through what I am going through, I want to let them know that they are not alone even though they feel alone. I don’t have a friend or anybody to talk too but my blog. Therefore today I am choosing to succeed in my failures. I am choosing to work hard and keep my dreams alive. I wont try anything else that’s going to break my heart. I wont try to make money at all. I will keep writing with no financial benefit because writing makes me happy. I am going to let my fashion control my moods. Style makes me feel loved and normal in a unique way. I will exercise everyday to gain my self-esteem and read everyday to keep my mind healthy. I will eat as much as I can to keep my life in balance. And I need your help March, to make all these goals come true. I ask for you to be kind on me. You’re support will be much appreciated. MARCH.