Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Karma Is Fragile

Fragile like a grass full of hot water
Trying to be strong through misery
Burning inside yet never shows
It cracks slowly to avoid drama
Till it break apart you know it’s karma

Fragile like a new born baby
Eager to be loved by a touch
One mistake, it’ll mess up it’s life
Hold it careful, for it has one life
Till it grows with scars, you know it’s karma

Fragile like skin stub by a knife
Wounds unforgetable with blood in your eyes
Pain that hurts and leaves scars
Strength weakens by time
Fragile cause you’re human and that’s karma.

©Kitty Minaj

Insomnia

When the night falls upon us
And most souls lurks their snore
I lay awake in my sleep
Tossing and turning every second
Like I have bugs in my bed
The demons of the night wrestle my soul
And my mind drowning in thoughts
While my hearts breaking apart
Reminiscing about my struggles
Till my body shut still
Feeling numb yet still in pain
Tears falling like rainfall
Why, filled my mind with anger
Asleep is God upon me
While the devil troubles my sorrow
Depression took away my sleep
Anxiety introduced me to Insomnia
Awake I become during the night
Exhausting my life become each day.

©Kitty Minaj

Dear November Pain

Sorry if I don’t look happy to see you but I am. It’s been rough for me these past weeks…years I must say. I gave up on my dreams years ago because I thought maybe I asked for to much therefore all I wanted was to be happy even for just one moment. What is happiness? Till this day, I dont know how it feels like to be happy truly happy.

To smile with no soul drowning inside. To smile with true passion. To smile with a real smile, a smile that won’t Break you apart or consume your heart. A real smile…um, November forget that. I know now that wont happen. It’s a lot to take in. And I thought I was strong enough but I am not. It’s been rough lately can’t even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

November, I am lost. So lost, I dont even know who I am. Definitely not me. I so scared. Everything is falling apart. I’m pushing away a boy that loves me with my mental health. A guy that loves me for me and is always there. I’m pushing away my parents, it hurts when they around me trying to show me love. I’m pushing away everyone that believes in me because I am not that girl no more. I’m just not me.

How do I deal with that, November? How do I get myself back. Where can I found the kitty I know and loved. The broken girl that never feared herself, she was free to do everything with passion and love because that made feel alive, less broken. I am scared, I dont know what to do. And all I know is that pills dont heal, and so are doctors. I’ve been battling with my depression and anxiety for year and I’m only getting worse.

How do I help my self. I do I escape reality when it’s this painful. It hurts so much November, it hurts and I just want it to stop. Even if it’s for a moment. Please make it stop. I want to be normal, I want to be happy and not moody all the time. Please help me. I can’t function for another day…my mind is literally damaged. My brain hurts so much and heart, I no longer can feel it beat. Sucks right…

As I am writing this. I hope, you’ll have mercy on me. Because I dont have anybody to help me out or tell me otherwise. Please let me breath without suffocating and let the tears dry for a little because they’re burn so hard. Please, numb my pain even for a day. Please Dear November. Bandage my wounds even without healing them…it’s a battle to live in ur own mind/dimension.

©Kitty Minaj

Engulfed

Twinkling star beneath my feet
Yet my sky is shaded black
Take me high above the moon
Let me cry out like a wolf
Fill my soul just like the night
Let me rest without a scare
Hold me tight, be my demon
Free my mind and let me smile.

©Kitty Minaj

Help Me!

Help me, I am barely alive
Roaming the dark streets like a thug
Counting the stars from up above
Seeking a way to live my life
Or just a hand to help me up
Searching for a soul to better my life
Or a word to lie that I am loved
Instead of voices screaming I should die
Breaking my soul and wrecking my heart
Confusing my purpose and ruining my smile
Banished is how I feel inside
With no one around to tell me otherwise
But the scars of the wounds I carry,
That hurts more than life itself
So I pled for you to feel my pain
Numb the misery inside
Help me heal or take away my life
For I am barely alive

©Kitty Minaj

Troubles Never End

I took a leap of faith
And dried my tears
I looked beyond the pain
And consoled my sorrows
I forgave my choices
And celebrated my mistakes
I held my self up
And let go of my regrets
I moved on from the past
And planned my future
I learned to love myself
And I found true love
But all of that couldn’t heal my scars
And my wounds got worser
For trouble never ends.

©Kitty Minaj

Lamentation

I am lost
The darkness surrounds me
It’s getting so cold
I’m all alone
With no one to hold
My world is so empty
All what’s left is pain
No sunshine to light up my way
Just never ending rain
I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying.

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

If The Wind Had A Heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to touch
Would it hold me very tight
And dry away my tears

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to see
Would it surround my sorrow
And blew away my broken heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to feel
Would it blew apart
As it notice the pain inside

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to care
Would it feel my struggles
And chase away my pain

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to love
Would it always blew around me
And fill me with joy

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to heal
Would it numb my wounds
Or fade away the scars

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to decide
Would it let me live in misery
Or let me rest in peace??

©Kitty Minaj