Help Me!

Help me, I am barely alive
Roaming the dark streets like a thug
Counting the stars from up above
Seeking a way to live my life
Or just a hand to help me up
Searching for a soul to better my life
Or a word to lie that I am loved
Instead of voices screaming I should die
Breaking my soul and wrecking my heart
Confusing my purpose and ruining my smile
Banished is how I feel inside
With no one around to tell me otherwise
But the scars of the wounds I carry,
That hurts more than life itself
So I pled for you to feel my pain
Numb the misery inside
Help me heal or take away my life
For I am barely alive

©Kitty Minaj

Troubles Never End

I took a leap of faith
And dried my tears
I looked beyond the pain
And consoled my sorrows
I forgave my choices
And celebrated my mistakes
I held my self up
And let go of my regrets
I moved on from the past
And planned my future
I learned to love myself
And I found true love
But all of that couldn’t heal my scars
And my wounds got worser
For trouble never ends.

©Kitty Minaj

Lamentation

I am lost
The darkness surrounds me
It’s getting so cold
I’m all alone
With no one to hold
My world is so empty
All what’s left is pain
No sunshine to light up my way
Just never ending rain
I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying.

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

If The Wind Had A Heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to touch
Would it hold me very tight
And dry away my tears

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to see
Would it surround my sorrow
And blew away my broken heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to feel
Would it blew apart
As it notice the pain inside

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to care
Would it feel my struggles
And chase away my pain

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to love
Would it always blew around me
And fill me with joy

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to heal
Would it numb my wounds
Or fade away the scars

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to decide
Would it let me live in misery
Or let me rest in peace??

©Kitty Minaj

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell

Life Is Hard

Life is hard, no kidding.

The moment we were born, we’re expected to face life like it’s just a walk in a park even thought in that situation we can barely walk. You see, how life is? One is expected to do something while they can’t do anything. Example, I am expected to breath through the blockage in my throat and the baggage in my chest but fact is I can’t breathe. And reality is that I have to battle with that not even everyday but every time I try to think.

Just a thought, could lend me to the floor struggling to gasp for that air. And when I inhale that little oxygen, the moment I try to exhale the carbon dioxide I’d be tortured. The gas will weaken my lungs and burn my chest while my heart beats fast trying to save it’s own soul. When you’re about to give up, anxiety decide to let you be.

A baby cries when they are born because of the discomfort of another dimension, different place or setting is really terrifying; they don’t know the aspects they about to face and they don’t know nor understand why they have to be removed from there comfort zone. Comfort is safe and the unknown is scary. But life is not like that, it’s a roller coaster they say, in fact it’s like a game for me.

Life is a game because there are a lot of stages we have to go through, and each stage gets harder and harder, and never easier. Trust me. If someone told you that life gets easier with time, they lied big time, because time is just growth and experience. It has nothing to do with life. If so, don’t you think that our elders would be living their best life, rich or poor, they’ll be celebrating their rewards.

Life is different and upsetting; because we are going through a lot and most of our pain is really deep. Sad thing is that we don’t know why we’re going through what we’re going through: did we do something wrong that now we’re punished for or are we cursed? Confusing because some of us the pain never disappear, from stage to stage the pain continues like our purpose in life is to bare pain.

The unknown is what makes things very hard about living this life. This life is precious I must state, very precious filled with amazing wonders and experiences. We have been granted the gift to learn and explore the beauty of life. With blessing comes a curse, when push comes a shave and the world seem to sit on your shoulder, can’t help but break down and wish life had a handbook or something you can refer to for answers.

Just imagine how easy life would be if we had a book to refer for answers. When we have questions like why am I dark and my friend is light, why am I born in this family and why do I have low blood etc etc. It would be so much easier to be who we wish to be because at that point we would know exactly what our purpose in life is. Sadly that’s a myth.

Life is hard and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is master our patience and have faith in our hearts. Love, as much as it hurts it’s a blessing and a drug of life, it fills us up with passion and happiness. So hold on to that love, but only the kind of love that transform your heart and consume your mind with anger and pleasure. And that can also be self-love.

It’s hard to overcome pain, especially when it’s emotional and mental pain. It’s life, lets accept it, we don’t choose the book cover of our story but all we can do is just write it. We are given a choice to narrate our lives. Destiny depend on us even though faith is what we can’t rewrite nor change. Life is hard and we’re strong therefore lets keep breathing till the end. I wish you well, and I hope you will rewrite your book of life with strength and positivity.

©Kitty Minaj

Worst Girlfriend

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all this pain in my heart
Preventing me to feel loved

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With depression in my mind
Preventing me to let go

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With anxiety consuming my breath
Preventing me to live my life

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all the hurt in my soul
Preventing me to trust the one I love

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all the abandonment in my life
Preventing me to believe his not here to stay

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all the insecurities from my past
Provoking me to be territorial

Feel like the worst girlfriend
Maybe because I know his got no love
Playing me is what he seem to be doing

Feel like the worst girlfriend
For I LOVE HIM so much
He makes me happy and sad, it just hurt.

©Kitty Minaj

Golden August

Dear Golden August

I come to you with a broken heart
No, I mean a broken soul,
For I have a lover with a purest heart
Yet my depression’s trying to tear us apart
I plead to please let me heal
Be kind and restore my sorrow
Make me whole and refill my happiness
For in a few days I will be getting older
And my dreams are slowing fading away
So let me fulfill my goals
And honor my passion
I have so much potential
That is as gold as you, August
And now it hurts to give up
For I am a Leo, a lion
Born to lead and with strength
Witness is not in my blood
So let me face my demon with pride
For gold is meant to shine
And I am not meant to break down
Even with these baggage in my chest
I will try and deal with my pain
This is my special golden month
An opportunity to strive
With positivity and hard work
A boss lady to became
For I am golden
Worthy and strong
Just like you August
So dear, GOLDEN AUGUST
PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE.

Truly golden
KITTY MINAJ

©Kitty Minaj

Death Denied Me Too

When the dark clouds caved in
And darkness was all I could see
I took a sip on a strong drink
Paraffin never tasted better
Paralyzed is what it did to me
Yet I could still breathe with pain.
I cried my eyes out
Till overdosing became my comfort
Pills only made me high
And numb was all I became.
With no tears to cry out
I got on my knees and prayed
Screamed out, ‘Why can’t I just die!’
That’s when I saw a dead rat
Which gave me an idea to consume poison
Yet the outcome was very brutal
And pain in my stomach was all I felt.
So I gave up and cut my wrist
Till I bleed out a lot of blood
Got on concious for 12 hours
I woke up feeling crazy
Didn’t feel like myself.
So tired of life yet can’t get away
With no choice, I tried the rope
The tighter the grip, numb my throat
And made my face purple and swollen
Till I fart and pooped on my pants
Stinking the whole house
Enabling someone to come rescue
Blanked out, I woke up in a hospital
With everyone around me
Curiously asking, ‘Why do you seek death?’
And the doctor telling me I’m selfish
He said, ‘Death don’t even want you.’
I closed my eyes in tears
Feeling the pain in my heart, face, stomach, body
Everything hurts including breathing
Reality never been this cruel.
I needed death more than ever
But just like everything and everyone
Death denied me too.

©Kitty Minaj