For a long time, I’ve struggled with this thing called love to the point that I believed that love was the destroyer of life. I believed that when you’re in love that’s when you get hurt more. But that all changed when I myself fell in love. I was so depressed at one point and love found me, and made me blossom to a new and awesome environment. I never thought that I could be happy until I saw his face looking back at me. Who knew that a human could make the world a better place, could make life seem exciting and worth living. But nothing last forever and that’s fact. And what’s more painful is when you’re attached. He fall out of love with me, he started to mistreat me by all means. The paradise I was in become real hell, but I refused to let go and I stack around hoping the devil would change back to being an angel. I told myself that one-sided love is enough for both of us but that only made me miserable and sad. I lost my self trying to make him love me. And now after all I’ve done and given him, he disappeared with no trace and I was left more broken than I was before. Though that wasn’t loves fault but mine. I refused to let go when I had too. I lost myself trying to find him back in my life. I forget to love me and put myself first. I lost me and my worth. Love is great but people are not. We blame love for being blind where-else we choose to be blind to our situation. We prefer comfort over what we really deserve. And I learn that you can’t force love, that thing works on it’s own with it’s own mind. If it’s not meant to be let it go. Because the only thing you can do is give someone a chance to love you back. Don’t force them to love you. Love yourself enough to be loved back.
I know sometimes when you look in the mirror
You don’t like what you see;
The Pain weighing on you,
A broken soul struggling to breath,
And your own flesh dying on you
Because I know sometimes
The world can seem so blurry
And the struggles won’t seem to end
And all you can do is break down and scream your lungs out while asking why.
Why is the silence so loud?
Why is the room so empty?
Why is my faith so distant?
Trust me…it’s okay
And I know that it doesn’t feel okay
In fact it feels like it’ll never be okay
But if you let your self cry
Drain everything away
So you can finally see clear
That love is all you need
Therefore you’ll learn to look at the mirror with love
No matter how hard life gets
Or how broken the mirror is
Believe me, a smile will always reflect on you
And life will be worth living
For you’ll learn to honor your pain
And that it’s part of growth
And accept your flaws
While allowing imperfection to take it’s course
And finally find the purpose to love yourself.
I doubted my self yesterday, I was careful because I believed and was scared that I was going to fall and ops I did fall so hard, to the point that it was hard getting up. It’s funny how depression could be a blessing and a curse at the same time. You find your self struggling to make it through a day with the negative thoughts that keeps lurking in; but with depression it allows you to be like, ‘It’s okay everything will be fine eventually, you just got to keep going.’ With the help of my depression, today I woke up feeling really motivated. I understand that mistakes have to be made once in a while, or more for perfection. I understand that I need to fall maybe a million time to finally learn to get up, and stand right and firm. Time has no limit and it allows you to redo everything all over again. Patience is bliss. So today, I am going to try and… no I am going to face all of my goals and make them come true. I believe in them as much as they believe in me. I know there is a huge possibility that I might fall but guess what I’ll have to be the judge of that because even when I get down I know at least I tried my best to stay firm. And trying is the greatest success in the whole in tire world. Therefore when the world seems cold and blur, know that there is always a way to flip a coin. Believe in the vision you need the most, trust that it’ll happen and make it happen. Treat it has a project with deadline and pursue it with a clear mind and an open heart. Because when you believe in it, it eventually comes true. Be patient Love Kitty♡
Ready for my fresh start But just like art, I need to follow my heart And take it step by step at a time I need to make decisions that a smart Be able to set my goals apart Because in life it’s okay to restart To take your time and make things right And let go of all your baggage, sweetheart You always have a chance for a new start A fresh start
As I am writing this latter, I am deep in tears but don’t worry I am about to wipe them away. See, life hasn’t been easy for me at all. For about 12 years now; I’ve been through hell and back, kissed the demons and dated the devil, my soul lived in fire and my heart was drowning in lava, and for long time I longed for rain but only thunder came like rainbow. Depression became my worst enemy. But he taught me to be kind and be a better person, he gave me so much strength and power letting me know I can do anything I set my mind into but he also reminded me that life is controlled by nature and every decisions we make have to be approved by nature, and I realize that nature is not by my self, it doesn’t favor me any how. It took me a long time to accept the girl looking back at me in the mirror but with anxiety, you learn to accept your flaws because when anxiety strikes, you feel your whole life caving in on you and the more you try to break out it’s the more it close in on you to the point that you can barely breathe. Then for a while you learn to relax and that’s when you’re able to breath again. Its not fun to take mental pills, it hurts when you have to depend on the mood pill to keep your moods in-check and to depend on the sleeping pills to keep you from restless nights. But life is a journey, March, and I am learning everyday because looking back its been a long roller coaster and a never ending one. Yesterday I went to bed, with a mind set on giving up on life because I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. It hurts to be alive and that’s a fact. And more painful to breath with mental illness but death isn’t an opinion. I don’t know why I am alive but I am willing to explore my purpose again. Today I woke up really sad but that motivated me to work on myself. I don’t like this feeling at all. I am going to keep working as hard as I used to because giving up is now who I am. I love to write, March, and that’s what makes me feel alive and loved, I will live to write and express my feelings to the world while helping others whom are going through what I am going through, I want to let them know that they are not alone even though they feel alone. I don’t have a friend or anybody to talk too but my blog. Therefore today I am choosing to succeed in my failures. I am choosing to work hard and keep my dreams alive. I wont try anything else that’s going to break my heart. I wont try to make money at all. I will keep writing with no financial benefit because writing makes me happy. I am going to let my fashion control my moods. Style makes me feel loved and normal in a unique way. I will exercise everyday to gain my self-esteem and read everyday to keep my mind healthy. I will eat as much as I can to keep my life in balance. And I need your help March, to make all these goals come true. I ask for you to be kind on me. You’re support will be much appreciated. MARCH.
I went to bed in misery and depression hurting my mind. I woke up in so much pain with anxiety drowning my soul. Usually I am terrified of physical pain but today I had to tie the rope. But as I was at the edge of kicking the chair, I got a call from mom. She kept calling till I got irritated and answer the call. In my surprise, she started talking about how grateful she is to have me as her daughter, and that I am the only person she depends on. With me around she believes that the future could be brighter than ever. I took a gasp in confusion of why is she telling me this, out of the blue. And with that she then added the most powerful words, ‘YOU’RE STRONG!’ She said, ‘I have seen broken people and none of them were able to handle pain like you, I have been hurt and I am depending on pills to help me out but you are so strong without them. You are able to control your anxiety while dealing with depression. You go to hospital and back and smile like nothings wrong. You walk in a room and light it up like you have everything figured out when you don’t. I know nothing in your life is going your way and it hurts me so much to see you work hard to no success every time but trust me I know you will win eventually. You’re smart and really determined, you inspire everyone around and those who follow you. You’re the strongest person I know and I am so proud to even call you my daughter.’ I hanged up the phone because I couldn’t hold back my gasp, I cried out so loudly. I felt all the bandage in my chest to the point that I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I got on my knees and shout out ‘WHY’ It hurts to be live and it hurts to pretend that I am strong but now I don’t have a choice but to keep being strong for my mom. She is happy when I am strong. When she doesn’t she see me break down and cry my eyes out at night. So If being strong for mom means staying alive, I don’t mine being her strength and giving her hope. Beside everybody has something that keeps them alive and now I also found my reason for living.