Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Journey Of My Heart

Like a memory my heart became
It was never the same
Born with so much scars in my faith
Tears were all I could share in life
Love was always hidden in my view
Yet it manage to break me apart
I grew stronger in time
But in time I become weaker
My soul couldn’t bare all the wounds
And my sorrow couldn’t carry the baggage
Tried so hard to heal this pain
But a curse runs in my veins
It took away my passion and dreams
Left me with no one to run too
But a darkness I couldn’t face
Yet it surrounds me with fear
This life is hard to live
My heart hurts, it’s hard to breathe
Like fire burning inside
Feels like I could rip it apart
Who on earth can heal this heart?

©Kitty Minaj

To Love…

To love means to be pure
Having the center to be like nature
Or having the Courage like water
Just having a drive like peace

To love means to be selfless
Giving without acknowledgement
Caring with no expectations
Breaking with no concern

To love means to be a fool
In the eyes of the beloved
Never bothered by their wrongs
And accepting their excuses

To love means to forgive
The one that breaks your heart
The reflection infront of you
The circumstance of every pain

To love means to be strong
When love hurts like hell
And the one you love,
Doesn’t love you at all

To love means to be broken
Loving with every and all the pieces
And to cherish love like it’s God
And never giving up on love

To Love Means To Love With A Pure Broken Heart

©Kitty Minaj

Words Vs Feelings

I said I am not going to cry
With tears in my eyes
Flawing hard like someone died
It felt like my heart did

I said he is not worth it
Yet I need him more
So how do I let it go
It felt like I crashed my soul

I said it’s okay,It’ll pass
But holding on to him feels right
Or am I lying to myself
It felt like I was a fool

I said no more Relationships
But I need love so bad
Yet I keep messing up
It felt like I’ll never be loved.

©Kitty Minaj

Bereft

It’s sad to say goodbye
I promise I’d never cry
It hurts what I feel inside
And it’s beyond my pride
So I let the tear fall down my eye
As I look up to the sky
Wondering if you feel my pain
For what I lost has no gain
You took my heart with you
Yet you never loved me too
Imperfect I understand
But your ignorance I couldn’t stand
It hurt me so bad
No body ever made me this sad
You showed me no care
Yet you were always there
Being you that always lie
Who knew our love would die
For it lasted long enough
And I believed it was really tough
Never thought we’d be apart
Like a shirt, you ripped my heart
Never needed anything, my love
But for you to show me love.

©Kitty Minaj

Time To Let Go

It’s time to grow up
I’ve been messed up a lot
For I refused to let you go
Was afraid to be left alone

But you’ve played with my mind
While wounding my heart
And breaking my trust
Now I am scared to love

I’ve watched you walk out
Came back and fuck me around
Your spear of lust, hurts so much
And your kisses left me bruised

I found my heart in your trash
Why would you make me feel this worthless
How could I let you mistreat my love
Guess it’s time to let you go now.

©Kitty Minaj

Never Letting Go

Why do I stay when I want to go?
Is it because I have hope?
Or maybe it is because I don’t want to be alone.
I stay and all I do is complain.
Complain that I might be going insane.
Insane of the thought that it might be my fault.
But who is to blame?
Is it me or is it him?
Neither one of us will go.
Although we know we must go,
All we do is ignore the pain
Of all the words we exchange.
I know I must go, but I don’t know.
If I go, I will be alone.
But why do I stay?
Only to hear him say,
“You’re to blame for all my unhappiness and pain.”
I know I’m not to blame for the choices he has made.
So I stay, hoping he will grow,
Grow in love and be consoled knowing I will never go.

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell

Run Back To Past

Widows vibrated to the cold breeze
Freezing the walls till they sweat
I felt my heart on my chest
As I held you near with passion
Sensed a smell so different all of a sudden
A scent I can’t recognize yet familiar
So I asked innocently for conformation
Thats When you turned your back on me with anger
But the scent of the girl brought fear
Of lose and betrayal
Till I ran back to the past for comfort
His words brought me joy and security
A long lost spark that I fail to resist
But his voice I recognized as pain
Now I’m back to square one
A place I never wanted to be
Yet I seem to always be
Guess this is where I belong
Back to the past.

©Kitty Minaj