Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Journey Of My Heart

Like a memory my heart became
It was never the same
Born with so much scars in my faith
Tears were all I could share in life
Love was always hidden in my view
Yet it manage to break me apart
I grew stronger in time
But in time I become weaker
My soul couldn’t bare all the wounds
And my sorrow couldn’t carry the baggage
Tried so hard to heal this pain
But a curse runs in my veins
It took away my passion and dreams
Left me with no one to run too
But a darkness I couldn’t face
Yet it surrounds me with fear
This life is hard to live
My heart hurts, it’s hard to breathe
Like fire burning inside
Feels like I could rip it apart
Who on earth can heal this heart?

©Kitty Minaj

Mental Health Motivation


I know it hurt right now
I know it hurts so much
And you wish you could just elope from your own body.
I know it’s even hard to smile
The mask has gotten really heavy lately
But your strong, really strong
And I know it’s hard to hear that,
When you feel like you're dying inside.
Drowning in your own sorrow,
Can’t get a crib, just can’t save your self.
Life is hard and you don't know why,
But it’s okay, just take a breathe
Close your eyes and breath really slowly
I don't know if everything will be okay
But I know that you will be okay
We need to let go of all the pain
The past, the tears, sadness and traumas
Let’s not waste today because of depression
When you feel you want to cry,
Get up and dance or sing loud
Write or watch funny movies
And trust me horror movies help too.
We can’t fix what’s broken inside
But it’s not impossible to deal with it either
Love you for your mental health
Because for what it’s worth, it made you a better person
Very unique and rare, one of a kind beautiful soul.

©Kitty Minaj

Time To Let Go

It’s time to grow up
I’ve been messed up a lot
For I refused to let you go
Was afraid to be left alone

But you’ve played with my mind
While wounding my heart
And breaking my trust
Now I am scared to love

I’ve watched you walk out
Came back and fuck me around
Your spear of lust, hurts so much
And your kisses left me bruised

I found my heart in your trash
Why would you make me feel this worthless
How could I let you mistreat my love
Guess it’s time to let you go now.

©Kitty Minaj

Troubles Never End

I took a leap of faith
And dried my tears
I looked beyond the pain
And consoled my sorrows
I forgave my choices
And celebrated my mistakes
I held my self up
And let go of my regrets
I moved on from the past
And planned my future
I learned to love myself
And I found true love
But all of that couldn’t heal my scars
And my wounds got worser
For trouble never ends.

©Kitty Minaj

Never Letting Go

Why do I stay when I want to go?
Is it because I have hope?
Or maybe it is because I don’t want to be alone.
I stay and all I do is complain.
Complain that I might be going insane.
Insane of the thought that it might be my fault.
But who is to blame?
Is it me or is it him?
Neither one of us will go.
Although we know we must go,
All we do is ignore the pain
Of all the words we exchange.
I know I must go, but I don’t know.
If I go, I will be alone.
But why do I stay?
Only to hear him say,
“You’re to blame for all my unhappiness and pain.”
I know I’m not to blame for the choices he has made.
So I stay, hoping he will grow,
Grow in love and be consoled knowing I will never go.

Lamentation

I am lost
The darkness surrounds me
It’s getting so cold
I’m all alone
With no one to hold
My world is so empty
All what’s left is pain
No sunshine to light up my way
Just never ending rain
I drown in tears
My heart is crying
No one seems to notice
My soul is dying.

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

If The Wind Had A Heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to touch
Would it hold me very tight
And dry away my tears

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to see
Would it surround my sorrow
And blew away my broken heart

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to feel
Would it blew apart
As it notice the pain inside

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to care
Would it feel my struggles
And chase away my pain

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to love
Would it always blew around me
And fill me with joy

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to heal
Would it numb my wounds
Or fade away the scars

If the Wind had a heart
And it was allowed to decide
Would it let me live in misery
Or let me rest in peace??

©Kitty Minaj

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell