If The Walls Had A Heart

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my innocence
When I grew to be hated
Confused and asking why to the room

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my anger
Of redemption that I never got
From the God I prayed for help

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my pain
Of all that I been through
Failing to heal the wounds

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my need
To escape this cruel world
One suicide attempt after another

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my resentment
Trying to learn how to forgive
By blaming my self for everything

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel the hurt
That love filled me with
While hitting me to the walls

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my soul
How truly broken I am
But always faking my strength

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my heart break apart
As the world curse me with mental illness
And unloved I felt with so many questions

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Let Me Drown

I loved the water but I never had a chance. I loved the idea of swimming even though I never swem before…I remember I’d dreamed of how the water felt, I thought I’d feel the blue water tinkle around my body, and the warmth of the floating water hugging my weight. The touch of each drop in the pool would bring me up to life like a mermaid it’ll protect me and feel me up with life.

And I’ll never forget the first I saw the pool. It was magically and I’ve never seen water being so beautiful. It glowed like I imagine, it gave me a tinkle in my eye like a wink of water. It was chilly. I got close really slow because I didn’t know what to expect or maybe I was terrified. Even though I was excited.

I dipped one leg in the pool and life never felt so strange. It’s still called my name so I dipped another leg. It was so cold, satisfyingly cold. It felt like ice on a wounded scar, like the first time you realise your crush will never be into you. It made me scared. I couldn’t understand. I’ve dreamed of being in a pool my whole life but suddenly it meant nothing. So I decided to have fun.

I slowly lowered my body into the pool and it never held my body. For a moment I dropped down but I was able to get a crib. So I held on to the sidelines. I was floating in my control, my body felt numb and foreign. The stillness of water reminded me of pain. The past become the water and I couldn’t run if I can’t swim.

So still, I looked at the water, reminiscing about everything. We can not run away from where we come from. We can not hide where we’ve been. What happened can not be erased or forgotten no matter what.Time is still like the pool and it’s a reminder for us to act or drown.

That’s when I let go of the crib…and even underwater, drowning wasn’t enough to make me feel. And I couldn’t drown the pain, the wounds, the scars and the trauma of life. Underwater time doesn’t tick. And you don’t die for life underwater is calm, still and patient.

No one saved me, I had to open eyes and held my breathe even though my chest was filled with water. I let go of control, let my body be light so I could float. I couldn’t breathe the moment I got out the pool yet no one notice. I was drowning, I could’ve dead and no one would know. And that hurt more than drowning.

Every now and then I go to pool and dive underwater for hours just to feel numb. Just for peace…the water understands. It never judges. And it has taught me so much, that action doesn’t promise success or satisfaction. Peace is key…and in order to learn how to swim we need to drown first. So dive in and let me drown.

©Kitty Minaj