Journey Of My Heart

Like a memory my heart became
It was never the same
Born with so much scars in my faith
Tears were all I could share in life
Love was always hidden in my view
Yet it manage to break me apart
I grew stronger in time
But in time I become weaker
My soul couldn’t bare all the wounds
And my sorrow couldn’t carry the baggage
Tried so hard to heal this pain
But a curse runs in my veins
It took away my passion and dreams
Left me with no one to run too
But a darkness I couldn’t face
Yet it surrounds me with fear
This life is hard to live
My heart hurts, it’s hard to breathe
Like fire burning inside
Feels like I could rip it apart
Who on earth can heal this heart?

©Kitty Minaj

To Love…

To love means to be pure
Having the center to be like nature
Or having the Courage like water
Just having a drive like peace

To love means to be selfless
Giving without acknowledgement
Caring with no expectations
Breaking with no concern

To love means to be a fool
In the eyes of the beloved
Never bothered by their wrongs
And accepting their excuses

To love means to forgive
The one that breaks your heart
The reflection infront of you
The circumstance of every pain

To love means to be strong
When love hurts like hell
And the one you love,
Doesn’t love you at all

To love means to be broken
Loving with every and all the pieces
And to cherish love like it’s God
And never giving up on love

To Love Means To Love With A Pure Broken Heart

©Kitty Minaj

If The Walls Had A Heart

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my innocence
When I grew to be hated
Confused and asking why to the room

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my anger
Of redemption that I never got
From the God I prayed for help

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my pain
Of all that I been through
Failing to heal the wounds

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my need
To escape this cruel world
One suicide attempt after another

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my resentment
Trying to learn how to forgive
By blaming my self for everything

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel the hurt
That love filled me with
While hitting me to the walls

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my soul
How truly broken I am
But always faking my strength

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my heart break apart
As the world curse me with mental illness
And unloved I felt with so many questions

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Let Me Drown

I loved the water but I never had a chance. I loved the idea of swimming even though I never swem before…I remember I’d dreamed of how the water felt, I thought I’d feel the blue water tinkle around my body, and the warmth of the floating water hugging my weight. The touch of each drop in the pool would bring me up to life like a mermaid it’ll protect me and feel me up with life.

And I’ll never forget the first I saw the pool. It was magically and I’ve never seen water being so beautiful. It glowed like I imagine, it gave me a tinkle in my eye like a wink of water. It was chilly. I got close really slow because I didn’t know what to expect or maybe I was terrified. Even though I was excited.

I dipped one leg in the pool and life never felt so strange. It’s still called my name so I dipped another leg. It was so cold, satisfyingly cold. It felt like ice on a wounded scar, like the first time you realise your crush will never be into you. It made me scared. I couldn’t understand. I’ve dreamed of being in a pool my whole life but suddenly it meant nothing. So I decided to have fun.

I slowly lowered my body into the pool and it never held my body. For a moment I dropped down but I was able to get a crib. So I held on to the sidelines. I was floating in my control, my body felt numb and foreign. The stillness of water reminded me of pain. The past become the water and I couldn’t run if I can’t swim.

So still, I looked at the water, reminiscing about everything. We can not run away from where we come from. We can not hide where we’ve been. What happened can not be erased or forgotten no matter what.Time is still like the pool and it’s a reminder for us to act or drown.

That’s when I let go of the crib…and even underwater, drowning wasn’t enough to make me feel. And I couldn’t drown the pain, the wounds, the scars and the trauma of life. Underwater time doesn’t tick. And you don’t die for life underwater is calm, still and patient.

No one saved me, I had to open eyes and held my breathe even though my chest was filled with water. I let go of control, let my body be light so I could float. I couldn’t breathe the moment I got out the pool yet no one notice. I was drowning, I could’ve dead and no one would know. And that hurt more than drowning.

Every now and then I go to pool and dive underwater for hours just to feel numb. Just for peace…the water understands. It never judges. And it has taught me so much, that action doesn’t promise success or satisfaction. Peace is key…and in order to learn how to swim we need to drown first. So dive in and let me drown.

©Kitty Minaj

Mental Health Motivation


I know it hurt right now
I know it hurts so much
And you wish you could just elope from your own body.
I know it’s even hard to smile
The mask has gotten really heavy lately
But your strong, really strong
And I know it’s hard to hear that,
When you feel like you're dying inside.
Drowning in your own sorrow,
Can’t get a crib, just can’t save your self.
Life is hard and you don't know why,
But it’s okay, just take a breathe
Close your eyes and breath really slowly
I don't know if everything will be okay
But I know that you will be okay
We need to let go of all the pain
The past, the tears, sadness and traumas
Let’s not waste today because of depression
When you feel you want to cry,
Get up and dance or sing loud
Write or watch funny movies
And trust me horror movies help too.
We can’t fix what’s broken inside
But it’s not impossible to deal with it either
Love you for your mental health
Because for what it’s worth, it made you a better person
Very unique and rare, one of a kind beautiful soul.

©Kitty Minaj

Dispirited

Growing up was hard but I was always cheerful. I had so much hope for the future. I thought this won’t last forever and I believed that tomorrow is going to be better. I used to cry at night ever since I was 9 and the only thing that kept me going was my own motivation; I’d look at myself in the mirror so confused, not knowing why I have to face all this pain and all I could say to my reflection was, ‘Everything is going to be okay, you’ll be fine Lydia. You be fine I promise.’

13 years later, is no difference. The pain has got even more worse and it’s hard to motivate my self or stay positive. Guess negativity filled my sorrow. I am not cheerful about the future in fact I am more terrified, I don’t want to see tomorrow because I believe it’s going to be worse than today. I can feel my wisdom fading painful away with regards of being a saint. I did everything right in this world, I was a good girl but why am I being punished, I have no idea.

I no longer cry everyday at night, because tears hurt so much. But I still cry a lot though, I even break down in malls or taxi or in the middle of my loved ones. I can no longer hold it inside and I can’t fake it either, the mask is no longer strong enough. I’ve lost the girl I was and was meant to be. Every hope and dreams I had is just down the drain. Drowning in my sorrow. I can’t help my self even if I try. The pains is much stronger. The wounds are deeper. My life is not moving, it’s currently critically stable. I have no idea how to deal with it.

My soul is suffering. Everyday I am challenge with a new sickness, an unknown sickness. I have to see doctors and sleep in hospitals without getting any better. My body would shut down, I’d collapse, shiver all the time or just be out of breath, painful headache, chest burn, stomach cramps or aching joints, whole body aching, mind going blank, loss of memory and aching mind, yet all the doctors just say that I am fine, they see nothing, it’s just anxiety, I’m just stressed. How am I not allowed to be stress if I feel everything in me hurting?

I knew this year wouldn’t be my year. I made a vow to kill myself before new year 2020 but because mom was around, all I could think of was that she was going to die too. So I stayed alive because I though I was strong enough more than mom but my strength is gone and I believe I wasn’t meant to be alive. I was blessed with grate parents and an amazing boyfriend whose always there yet being around them haunts me so much. They can’t help me, and that makes me so sad. I can’t explain to them what the hell is going on because I also don’t know either.

My parents says I am curse, I am starting to believe them but who would want to see me suffer and why would they bewitch me? I am just a nobody and I don’t have anybody but tree people. These past weeks have been seriously hard and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. I need rest. I pushed away my parent because I can’t bother them anymore. I am constantly fighting with my boyfriend everyday because I don’t trust myself. I am literally going insane and my mental pills are hurting my brain.

I am trying and I tried. But this life doesn’t seem to accommodate me. I am not going to try and kill myself no more. I am going to live and feel the pain I’ll let it hurt as I lock myself indoors and hope to desiccate. This life is strange and hard work don’t guarantee success. It’s not what you make of it. It’s what makes of you. I lost me searching for a better me. I’m struggling to breath trying to live. Maybe I am not thinking straight mentally but guess I am just mentally ill. So spare me.

To everyone suffering with mental illness or struggling with life. Just know positivity is good, being negative can only make you feel more insane and sick. Crying everyday, trust me, is not healthy for a mental patient. Don’t lose your PASSION, because it’s the only thing that can make you feel alive and normal. Writing makes feel normal and that’s why I write everyday even if it’s nothing exciting but it excites me. I feel loved and peaceful when I am writing. Secure your passion, it’s the only thing that can help you in this hell-hole.

©Kitty Minaj

Insomnia

When the night falls upon us
And most souls lurks their snore
I lay awake in my sleep
Tossing and turning every second
Like I have bugs in my bed
The demons of the night wrestle my soul
And my mind drowning in thoughts
While my hearts breaking apart
Reminiscing about my struggles
Till my body shut still
Feeling numb yet still in pain
Tears falling like rainfall
Why, filled my mind with anger
Asleep is God upon me
While the devil troubles my sorrow
Depression took away my sleep
Anxiety introduced me to Insomnia
Awake I become during the night
Exhausting my life become each day.

©Kitty Minaj

Dear November Pain

Sorry if I don’t look happy to see you but I am. It’s been rough for me these past weeks…years I must say. I gave up on my dreams years ago because I thought maybe I asked for to much therefore all I wanted was to be happy even for just one moment. What is happiness? Till this day, I dont know how it feels like to be happy truly happy.

To smile with no soul drowning inside. To smile with true passion. To smile with a real smile, a smile that won’t Break you apart or consume your heart. A real smile…um, November forget that. I know now that wont happen. It’s a lot to take in. And I thought I was strong enough but I am not. It’s been rough lately can’t even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

November, I am lost. So lost, I dont even know who I am. Definitely not me. I so scared. Everything is falling apart. I’m pushing away a boy that loves me with my mental health. A guy that loves me for me and is always there. I’m pushing away my parents, it hurts when they around me trying to show me love. I’m pushing away everyone that believes in me because I am not that girl no more. I’m just not me.

How do I deal with that, November? How do I get myself back. Where can I found the kitty I know and loved. The broken girl that never feared herself, she was free to do everything with passion and love because that made feel alive, less broken. I am scared, I dont know what to do. And all I know is that pills dont heal, and so are doctors. I’ve been battling with my depression and anxiety for year and I’m only getting worse.

How do I help my self. I do I escape reality when it’s this painful. It hurts so much November, it hurts and I just want it to stop. Even if it’s for a moment. Please make it stop. I want to be normal, I want to be happy and not moody all the time. Please help me. I can’t function for another day…my mind is literally damaged. My brain hurts so much and heart, I no longer can feel it beat. Sucks right…

As I am writing this. I hope, you’ll have mercy on me. Because I dont have anybody to help me out or tell me otherwise. Please let me breath without suffocating and let the tears dry for a little because they’re burn so hard. Please, numb my pain even for a day. Please Dear November. Bandage my wounds even without healing them…it’s a battle to live in ur own mind/dimension.

©Kitty Minaj

Engulfed

Twinkling star beneath my feet
Yet my sky is shaded black
Take me high above the moon
Let me cry out like a wolf
Fill my soul just like the night
Let me rest without a scare
Hold me tight, be my demon
Free my mind and let me smile.

©Kitty Minaj