I woke up with a smile Even though I couldn’t breath I managed to get up When my chest was weighing on me The bath tub filled up with tears Because I couldn’t hold back the pain The stranger in the mirror reflecting on me Couldn’t comfort my grieving soul When the mask trembled down I couldn’t share a smile For what lurks deep inside Is breaking me apart And knowing that I can’t fix it Makes my whole life a misery So I went back to sleep And watch my days turned into nights With no one asking if I am alright Had to tell myself that it’s okay Alone and depress I’ll always be This is a life I was meant to live But I can’t help falling apart
I am falling apart With these scars in my heart And my knees on the ground My head smashed on the floor Trying to understand my flaws Yet struggling to subtain my breath Was I really meant to be alive? When death mock me and life hurt me How do I really numb the pain? Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds And tomorrow that is taken by fear In this soul I can not run For there is no soul that could save me Therefore my sorrow weights on me Nothing I could do for tears burns me up So I seek for you, May To merge and restore what’s broken inside And give me a purpose to get off the couch And smile for the sun that shines even in winter For no matter how dead I feel inside
Like a lightning ray clamming from afar I wished for a shooting star A wish that could redeem my heart A soul that could save my life An extra breath that could warm my skin A truest life that consume my loneliness But like a star it’s out of my reach A distant faith I longed to have But a cursed soul I remain alone With no smile to share the scars No laughter to endorse the silence Enchanted a broken love it is Tears rejoiced my twisted faith Walls filled my unspoken words Pain took over my darkest world Demons became my remedy A best friend I longed to have Is a shadow that left my sight.
Dear April, I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard. And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend. I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything. But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will. Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish. I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day. And no pill or drug or human can ease it. So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.
Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.
But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.
I wanted to write my heart out But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self. All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor Feeling the aching twitch of my veins And the trembling pain of my body As I try to acknowledge my broken soul
Like a memory my heart became It was never the same Born with so much scars in my faith Tears were all I could share in life Love was always hidden in my view Yet it manage to break me apart I grew stronger in time But in time I become weaker My soul couldn’t bare all the wounds And my sorrow couldn’t carry the baggage Tried so hard to heal this pain But a curse runs in my veins It took away my passion and dreams Left me with no one to run too But a darkness I couldn’t face Yet it surrounds me with fear This life is hard to live My heart hurts, it’s hard to breathe Like fire burning inside Feels like I could rip it apart Who on earth can heal this heart?
My soul has had enough In this world I do not belong Yet I can not seem to escape Have mercy on me, February I can’t bare anymore pain How many times do my heart have to break In order to gain my freedom of life Or do I not deserve to live in joy Do I not deserve to live with love Fix me, February, my heart aches Numb my wound and hide the scars Please restore my sorrow Fix me, February, it hurts Trying to breath in darkness And to smile with so much trauma Oh please fix me, dear February Teach me how to forgive My self for all this pain And life for being so cruel Teach me how to love The smallest things life has to offer And myself when love’s being distant.