Darkness Of The Crystal

Crystal darken my vein
Blooded became my eyes
Dried was the cry of tears
That lurks deep in my soul
Consuming the passion of my pain
Deep within a wounded heart
Lies a crystal of the world
Yet heaven stolen the peace
Of a hell reflected in my mirror
Frozen was the flash of warmth
Filled with pure hate
That protects a wondering life
Devowed by a dark crystal.

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Let Me Drown

I loved the water but I never had a chance. I loved the idea of swimming even though I never swem before…I remember I’d dreamed of how the water felt, I thought I’d feel the blue water tinkle around my body, and the warmth of the floating water hugging my weight. The touch of each drop in the pool would bring me up to life like a mermaid it’ll protect me and feel me up with life.

And I’ll never forget the first I saw the pool. It was magically and I’ve never seen water being so beautiful. It glowed like I imagine, it gave me a tinkle in my eye like a wink of water. It was chilly. I got close really slow because I didn’t know what to expect or maybe I was terrified. Even though I was excited.

I dipped one leg in the pool and life never felt so strange. It’s still called my name so I dipped another leg. It was so cold, satisfyingly cold. It felt like ice on a wounded scar, like the first time you realise your crush will never be into you. It made me scared. I couldn’t understand. I’ve dreamed of being in a pool my whole life but suddenly it meant nothing. So I decided to have fun.

I slowly lowered my body into the pool and it never held my body. For a moment I dropped down but I was able to get a crib. So I held on to the sidelines. I was floating in my control, my body felt numb and foreign. The stillness of water reminded me of pain. The past become the water and I couldn’t run if I can’t swim.

So still, I looked at the water, reminiscing about everything. We can not run away from where we come from. We can not hide where we’ve been. What happened can not be erased or forgotten no matter what.Time is still like the pool and it’s a reminder for us to act or drown.

That’s when I let go of the crib…and even underwater, drowning wasn’t enough to make me feel. And I couldn’t drown the pain, the wounds, the scars and the trauma of life. Underwater time doesn’t tick. And you don’t die for life underwater is calm, still and patient.

No one saved me, I had to open eyes and held my breathe even though my chest was filled with water. I let go of control, let my body be light so I could float. I couldn’t breathe the moment I got out the pool yet no one notice. I was drowning, I could’ve dead and no one would know. And that hurt more than drowning.

Every now and then I go to pool and dive underwater for hours just to feel numb. Just for peace…the water understands. It never judges. And it has taught me so much, that action doesn’t promise success or satisfaction. Peace is key…and in order to learn how to swim we need to drown first. So dive in and let me drown.

©Kitty Minaj

Prayer To The Demons

I wish I could die
Close my eyes
And lose my breathe.
I just want to die
Fall asleep,
And never wake up.
Drift away permanently
Fall in and not fall apart
I need to die
For life broke me apart
And you showed no love
Family hates me so much
Friends misunderstand me
Pills consumed my life
I feel so alone and lost
I am losing my sense and mind
For God has abandon me,
When I asked him, 'why!'
So I prayed to the demons
'Please let me, die!'

©Kitty Minaj

Dear November Pain

Sorry if I don’t look happy to see you but I am. It’s been rough for me these past weeks…years I must say. I gave up on my dreams years ago because I thought maybe I asked for to much therefore all I wanted was to be happy even for just one moment. What is happiness? Till this day, I dont know how it feels like to be happy truly happy.

To smile with no soul drowning inside. To smile with true passion. To smile with a real smile, a smile that won’t Break you apart or consume your heart. A real smile…um, November forget that. I know now that wont happen. It’s a lot to take in. And I thought I was strong enough but I am not. It’s been rough lately can’t even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

November, I am lost. So lost, I dont even know who I am. Definitely not me. I so scared. Everything is falling apart. I’m pushing away a boy that loves me with my mental health. A guy that loves me for me and is always there. I’m pushing away my parents, it hurts when they around me trying to show me love. I’m pushing away everyone that believes in me because I am not that girl no more. I’m just not me.

How do I deal with that, November? How do I get myself back. Where can I found the kitty I know and loved. The broken girl that never feared herself, she was free to do everything with passion and love because that made feel alive, less broken. I am scared, I dont know what to do. And all I know is that pills dont heal, and so are doctors. I’ve been battling with my depression and anxiety for year and I’m only getting worse.

How do I help my self. I do I escape reality when it’s this painful. It hurts so much November, it hurts and I just want it to stop. Even if it’s for a moment. Please make it stop. I want to be normal, I want to be happy and not moody all the time. Please help me. I can’t function for another day…my mind is literally damaged. My brain hurts so much and heart, I no longer can feel it beat. Sucks right…

As I am writing this. I hope, you’ll have mercy on me. Because I dont have anybody to help me out or tell me otherwise. Please let me breath without suffocating and let the tears dry for a little because they’re burn so hard. Please, numb my pain even for a day. Please Dear November. Bandage my wounds even without healing them…it’s a battle to live in ur own mind/dimension.

©Kitty Minaj

Engulfed

Twinkling star beneath my feet
Yet my sky is shaded black
Take me high above the moon
Let me cry out like a wolf
Fill my soul just like the night
Let me rest without a scare
Hold me tight, be my demon
Free my mind and let me smile.

©Kitty Minaj

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell

Death Denied Me Too

When the dark clouds caved in
And darkness was all I could see
I took a sip on a strong drink
Paraffin never tasted better
Paralyzed is what it did to me
Yet I could still breathe with pain.
I cried my eyes out
Till overdosing became my comfort
Pills only made me high
And numb was all I became.
With no tears to cry out
I got on my knees and prayed
Screamed out, ‘Why can’t I just die!’
That’s when I saw a dead rat
Which gave me an idea to consume poison
Yet the outcome was very brutal
And pain in my stomach was all I felt.
So I gave up and cut my wrist
Till I bleed out a lot of blood
Got on concious for 12 hours
I woke up feeling crazy
Didn’t feel like myself.
So tired of life yet can’t get away
With no choice, I tried the rope
The tighter the grip, numb my throat
And made my face purple and swollen
Till I fart and pooped on my pants
Stinking the whole house
Enabling someone to come rescue
Blanked out, I woke up in a hospital
With everyone around me
Curiously asking, ‘Why do you seek death?’
And the doctor telling me I’m selfish
He said, ‘Death don’t even want you.’
I closed my eyes in tears
Feeling the pain in my heart, face, stomach, body
Everything hurts including breathing
Reality never been this cruel.
I needed death more than ever
But just like everything and everyone
Death denied me too.

©Kitty Minaj

White Morning

I lay awoke to the white morning
With tears flowing like cloudy sky
Heart breaking so loud like thunder
I felt my body melting away
And my soul turning into ashes
My spirit dematerialize
My memory turned into pain
And you faded away like magic
The morning sun ray stole your smile
The ray light encouraged my depression
And it reminded me that pain is real
Even when love is there to take care
It cannot heal the wounds deep inside
So I held my breathe till forever
To die instantly on the white morning.

©Kitty Minaj

Twinkle Of The Night

Twinkle of the dark
Lurks deep in my heart
To the silent cry
That wakes the void inside
A pain, I can not numb
Troubles my lungs
Sometimes I can not breath
When anxiety chock me up
And depression blocks my mind
Why can’t the night be so kind
And be filled with peace
But instead I am breaking down
Burying my heart in the mud
And cuting my wrist up
Trying to escape
The twinkle of the night.