My Parents

My mom, gave birth to me
Held me when I was helpless
Nurture me with no expectations
Loved me with no questions

My dad, supported me
Right from birth, he was there
Tought me how to walk
And loved me even in my worst days

My mom, raised me with care
Did my hair and clean me up
Got me the best clothes
An angel my mom made me

My dad, provided for me
Made sure I had the best education
And limitless opportunities
Wise and independent, dad made me

My parents, years later, still my parents
They still provide for me
Make sure I am happy and fed
And they still support me

My parents, pick me up when I’m down
They are the only people I can run too
Only love that keep me sane
And only true love that’s unconditional

My parents, I took them for granted
Because I thought they just parents
Never thought they understood
Until life knocked me down and they picked me up

My parents, I will forever be indebted
For they know me, the real me
And they respect my soul
They’ll never give up on me

My parents, I love them
For they are a blessing
And they are my strength
They love me just me.

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Dispirited

Growing up was hard but I was always cheerful. I had so much hope for the future. I thought this won’t last forever and I believed that tomorrow is going to be better. I used to cry at night ever since I was 9 and the only thing that kept me going was my own motivation; I’d look at myself in the mirror so confused, not knowing why I have to face all this pain and all I could say to my reflection was, ‘Everything is going to be okay, you’ll be fine Lydia. You be fine I promise.’

13 years later, is no difference. The pain has got even more worse and it’s hard to motivate my self or stay positive. Guess negativity filled my sorrow. I am not cheerful about the future in fact I am more terrified, I don’t want to see tomorrow because I believe it’s going to be worse than today. I can feel my wisdom fading painful away with regards of being a saint. I did everything right in this world, I was a good girl but why am I being punished, I have no idea.

I no longer cry everyday at night, because tears hurt so much. But I still cry a lot though, I even break down in malls or taxi or in the middle of my loved ones. I can no longer hold it inside and I can’t fake it either, the mask is no longer strong enough. I’ve lost the girl I was and was meant to be. Every hope and dreams I had is just down the drain. Drowning in my sorrow. I can’t help my self even if I try. The pains is much stronger. The wounds are deeper. My life is not moving, it’s currently critically stable. I have no idea how to deal with it.

My soul is suffering. Everyday I am challenge with a new sickness, an unknown sickness. I have to see doctors and sleep in hospitals without getting any better. My body would shut down, I’d collapse, shiver all the time or just be out of breath, painful headache, chest burn, stomach cramps or aching joints, whole body aching, mind going blank, loss of memory and aching mind, yet all the doctors just say that I am fine, they see nothing, it’s just anxiety, I’m just stressed. How am I not allowed to be stress if I feel everything in me hurting?

I knew this year wouldn’t be my year. I made a vow to kill myself before new year 2020 but because mom was around, all I could think of was that she was going to die too. So I stayed alive because I though I was strong enough more than mom but my strength is gone and I believe I wasn’t meant to be alive. I was blessed with grate parents and an amazing boyfriend whose always there yet being around them haunts me so much. They can’t help me, and that makes me so sad. I can’t explain to them what the hell is going on because I also don’t know either.

My parents says I am curse, I am starting to believe them but who would want to see me suffer and why would they bewitch me? I am just a nobody and I don’t have anybody but tree people. These past weeks have been seriously hard and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. I need rest. I pushed away my parent because I can’t bother them anymore. I am constantly fighting with my boyfriend everyday because I don’t trust myself. I am literally going insane and my mental pills are hurting my brain.

I am trying and I tried. But this life doesn’t seem to accommodate me. I am not going to try and kill myself no more. I am going to live and feel the pain I’ll let it hurt as I lock myself indoors and hope to desiccate. This life is strange and hard work don’t guarantee success. It’s not what you make of it. It’s what makes of you. I lost me searching for a better me. I’m struggling to breath trying to live. Maybe I am not thinking straight mentally but guess I am just mentally ill. So spare me.

To everyone suffering with mental illness or struggling with life. Just know positivity is good, being negative can only make you feel more insane and sick. Crying everyday, trust me, is not healthy for a mental patient. Don’t lose your PASSION, because it’s the only thing that can make you feel alive and normal. Writing makes feel normal and that’s why I write everyday even if it’s nothing exciting but it excites me. I feel loved and peaceful when I am writing. Secure your passion, it’s the only thing that can help you in this hell-hole.

©Kitty Minaj