Last Day Of The Year

On this day, I want to make a change. A change that can help me ease the pain.
On this day I wanna forgive…well, I wanted to forgive my self but I have been doing that the whole year and it hasn’t work at all.
I tried to accept who I am and my pain but I am more confused than I should and maybe it’s because I don’t know who I am anymore. I tried to love me the way I need to be loved but how can I love me when no body loves me, I mean what is it about me that pull them away and how do I over come that.
I tried to be bold yet being different is hard and I’ve been mistreated for not being like everybody else, where do I fit in? I tried success, but I am cursed so never mind…rejection is all I get.
I tried everything I could just so I could have a better year. I knew on the 31st December 2019 that 2020 was going to be hell and trust it was more than hell. Even the devil himself wouldn’t handle half of my pain.
Therefore on the last day of this year, I am not going to make it special. Because for me it’s just a day. And tomorrow is another day not a new year, because there won’t be anything new about it. Just another day of more misery and pain for me. When everyone smiles, I’ll be crying.
Just like how I predicted this year, I am also positive that 2021 wont be any different. And I promise not to force things, I won’t try to have a better life, I am giving up.

PS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP.

Words Vs Feelings

I said I am not going to cry
With tears in my eyes
Flawing hard like someone died
It felt like my heart did

I said he is not worth it
Yet I need him more
So how do I let it go
It felt like I crashed my soul

I said it’s okay,It’ll pass
But holding on to him feels right
Or am I lying to myself
It felt like I was a fool

I said no more Relationships
But I need love so bad
Yet I keep messing up
It felt like I’ll never be loved.

©Kitty Minaj

Damn December

I thought you had a heart because you make everyone happy, even though you are very stressful but you are also full of joy, laughter and togetherness. But for me this time you’ve been different, very unkind and a bit cruel I must state. I am really upset, December, what’s going one? Are we fighting, I mean what’s with the ditching?

Okay, let me slow it down. I had so much plans for you. I thought this December was going to be the best because I had a rough sad and painful year. I needed a break from the hell I’ve been through. I planned to be happy and have fun even though I don’t party nor drink alcohol. I thought I’d still make the best out of this.

Plans were to: do my green awesome hair but instead I did pink because I am not going anywhere special no more. I wanted to go somewhere really fun and exciting, I wanted to be with my new kinda-yet-young-very-young friend of mine with a couple of few people but no plans where made. Now I am, plan-less and more depress. Going to hospital and clinics lately…it’s really killing me.

I mean, damn December, you’ve been very boring. Even the television is boring, nothing good is keeping me entertain or stressless. I need to get my mind off things. Hash tag less depressed. Another thing, you have been cruel to my relationship, are you trying to get me alone or what because you’ve been trying to break me up with my boyfriend. Fighting and breaking up and making up then again vise verse. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, give us a break. We love each other.

Everyday is being full of tears and locking my self. Hash tag anti-social. This is not me, I even hate taking picture. I used to love taking picture, about a hundred a day, now, never. I don’t know what’s wrong, please torn it down December. I need a break and I need you to help me on that. You’re the only month that specializes in breaks and peace, why wont you help me. Let me be free for a moment.

Right now I lost a big part of my life and I don’t know how to deal with that. Please help me, I know it’s not too late and I am stronger than I look. Anybody capable of dealing with a mental illness is a hero. Hercules. Don’t lose hope on me, I just need to rest and be free even without being happy. Just be gentle a little. I pray you answer my prayers or request for that matter, don’t be like November. I trust you, Damn DECEMBER, till we meet again.

Pleading, LEE

Prayer To The Demons

I wish I could die
Close my eyes
And lose my breathe.
I just want to die
Fall asleep,
And never wake up.
Drift away permanently
Fall in and not fall apart
I need to die
For life broke me apart
And you showed no love
Family hates me so much
Friends misunderstand me
Pills consumed my life
I feel so alone and lost
I am losing my sense and mind
For God has abandon me,
When I asked him, 'why!'
So I prayed to the demons
'Please let me, die!'

©Kitty Minaj

Insomnia

When the night falls upon us
And most souls lurks their snore
I lay awake in my sleep
Tossing and turning every second
Like I have bugs in my bed
The demons of the night wrestle my soul
And my mind drowning in thoughts
While my hearts breaking apart
Reminiscing about my struggles
Till my body shut still
Feeling numb yet still in pain
Tears falling like rainfall
Why, filled my mind with anger
Asleep is God upon me
While the devil troubles my sorrow
Depression took away my sleep
Anxiety introduced me to Insomnia
Awake I become during the night
Exhausting my life become each day.

©Kitty Minaj

Dear November Pain

Sorry if I don’t look happy to see you but I am. It’s been rough for me these past weeks…years I must say. I gave up on my dreams years ago because I thought maybe I asked for to much therefore all I wanted was to be happy even for just one moment. What is happiness? Till this day, I dont know how it feels like to be happy truly happy.

To smile with no soul drowning inside. To smile with true passion. To smile with a real smile, a smile that won’t Break you apart or consume your heart. A real smile…um, November forget that. I know now that wont happen. It’s a lot to take in. And I thought I was strong enough but I am not. It’s been rough lately can’t even recognize the girl looking back at me in the mirror.

November, I am lost. So lost, I dont even know who I am. Definitely not me. I so scared. Everything is falling apart. I’m pushing away a boy that loves me with my mental health. A guy that loves me for me and is always there. I’m pushing away my parents, it hurts when they around me trying to show me love. I’m pushing away everyone that believes in me because I am not that girl no more. I’m just not me.

How do I deal with that, November? How do I get myself back. Where can I found the kitty I know and loved. The broken girl that never feared herself, she was free to do everything with passion and love because that made feel alive, less broken. I am scared, I dont know what to do. And all I know is that pills dont heal, and so are doctors. I’ve been battling with my depression and anxiety for year and I’m only getting worse.

How do I help my self. I do I escape reality when it’s this painful. It hurts so much November, it hurts and I just want it to stop. Even if it’s for a moment. Please make it stop. I want to be normal, I want to be happy and not moody all the time. Please help me. I can’t function for another day…my mind is literally damaged. My brain hurts so much and heart, I no longer can feel it beat. Sucks right…

As I am writing this. I hope, you’ll have mercy on me. Because I dont have anybody to help me out or tell me otherwise. Please let me breath without suffocating and let the tears dry for a little because they’re burn so hard. Please, numb my pain even for a day. Please Dear November. Bandage my wounds even without healing them…it’s a battle to live in ur own mind/dimension.

©Kitty Minaj

Engulfed

Twinkling star beneath my feet
Yet my sky is shaded black
Take me high above the moon
Let me cry out like a wolf
Fill my soul just like the night
Let me rest without a scare
Hold me tight, be my demon
Free my mind and let me smile.

©Kitty Minaj

Time To Let Go

It’s time to grow up
I’ve been messed up a lot
For I refused to let you go
Was afraid to be left alone

But you’ve played with my mind
While wounding my heart
And breaking my trust
Now I am scared to love

I’ve watched you walk out
Came back and fuck me around
Your spear of lust, hurts so much
And your kisses left me bruised

I found my heart in your trash
Why would you make me feel this worthless
How could I let you mistreat my love
Guess it’s time to let you go now.

©Kitty Minaj

Angel With Broken Wings

I sat aside from the world
Clearly the lord has given up on me
For I feel like a fallen Angel
Broken and bruised
Out of place, out of mind
Confused and beaten down
I tried so hard to live this life
But the struggles never end
And happiness never last
For love is fatal
For an Angel with broken wings.

©Kitty Minaj