Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

April Feel…

April feel
My brain soaking under water
Struggling to not give up
But overwhelmed with circumstances

April feel
My back against the wall of needles
Struggling to carry all the baggage
Alone, for no body seem to care

April feel
My heart silently break apart
Struggling to mend it’s own faith
For life is too much to bare

April feel
My soul is drowning
Struggling to breathe
Crowded by pain and suffering

April feel
All that I am but cannot be
For every step I take is a struggle
For life always knocks me deep down.

©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

Prayer To The Demons

I wish I could die
Close my eyes
And lose my breathe.
I just want to die
Fall asleep,
And never wake up.
Drift away permanently
Fall in and not fall apart
I need to die
For life broke me apart
And you showed no love
Family hates me so much
Friends misunderstand me
Pills consumed my life
I feel so alone and lost
I am losing my sense and mind
For God has abandon me,
When I asked him, 'why!'
So I prayed to the demons
'Please let me, die!'

©Kitty Minaj

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell

White Morning

I lay awoke to the white morning
With tears flowing like cloudy sky
Heart breaking so loud like thunder
I felt my body melting away
And my soul turning into ashes
My spirit dematerialize
My memory turned into pain
And you faded away like magic
The morning sun ray stole your smile
The ray light encouraged my depression
And it reminded me that pain is real
Even when love is there to take care
It cannot heal the wounds deep inside
So I held my breathe till forever
To die instantly on the white morning.

©Kitty Minaj

Mirror On The Floor

Mirror, mirror on the floor
No one’s knocking on my door
So you held me when I fall
Even though I am the saddest of them all
For I have been damaged since childhood
I am older now but nothings good
My world is falling apart
Tryna fix it but don’t know where to start
Fact is that depresses me all the time
And to breathe sometimes feels like a crime
Basically, it’s just hard to be alive
Wish I can pause everything and take five
Because no matter what I don’t want to die
But it hurts so bad that’s no lie
So how do I let go of the pain inside?
Can’t seem to run away from nor hide
But cry to the mirror on the floor.

©Kitty Minaj

How Do I Love Me?

How Do I Love Me?
I asked, looking at the reflation of a broken girl
Her eyes blood red
She doesn’t want to be alive

How do I love me?
When I can’t stop the overflowing tears
That comes like a heavy rain
Even when I am very happy

How do I love me?
With all this pain in my chest
And anxiety choking my neck
While depression destroys my brain

How do I love me?
With all the abuses from my past
And voices telling me I am not enough
I’ll never make it alive

How do I love me?
When everytime I wake up with a smile
They throw stones of hate at me
Complaining that I act better than them

How do I love me?
With all the suicidal attempts
Selfishly praying to die
Trying to escape reality

How do I love me?
When you don’t even love me
Hurting me with your lust
And pushing me away with you lie

How do I love me?
When I feel so alone
With no where to hide nor run
And no one to call or talk too

Truth is I do love me?
As me, broken and bruised
Alone and cold with passion
Unloved but alive yet dead inside.

©Kitty Minaj

Twinkle Of The Night

Twinkle of the dark
Lurks deep in my heart
To the silent cry
That wakes the void inside
A pain, I can not numb
Troubles my lungs
Sometimes I can not breath
When anxiety chock me up
And depression blocks my mind
Why can’t the night be so kind
And be filled with peace
But instead I am breaking down
Burying my heart in the mud
And cuting my wrist up
Trying to escape
The twinkle of the night.