Writer’s Block Dilemma

I want to write again
For my chest is filled with sorrow
Burning and blocking my breathe
Yet this pen cannot express

I want to write again
All these emotions are hurting me
And the stress I cannot run away from
For this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When these thoughts fill my mind
And painful my brain becomes
When this pen cannot express

I want to write again
For my heart has had enough
And there is no one to hear me out
But this pen that cannot express

I want to write again
For this life is to much to bare
When you’re all alone with no purpose
As this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When anxiety tortures my soul
And depression consume my brain
While the pen refuse to relieve my pain

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

April Feel…

April feel
My brain soaking under water
Struggling to not give up
But overwhelmed with circumstances

April feel
My back against the wall of needles
Struggling to carry all the baggage
Alone, for no body seem to care

April feel
My heart silently break apart
Struggling to mend it’s own faith
For life is too much to bare

April feel
My soul is drowning
Struggling to breathe
Crowded by pain and suffering

April feel
All that I am but cannot be
For every step I take is a struggle
For life always knocks me deep down.

©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

Last Day Of The Year

On this day, I want to make a change. A change that can help me ease the pain.
On this day I wanna forgive…well, I wanted to forgive my self but I have been doing that the whole year and it hasn’t work at all.
I tried to accept who I am and my pain but I am more confused than I should and maybe it’s because I don’t know who I am anymore. I tried to love me the way I need to be loved but how can I love me when no body loves me, I mean what is it about me that pull them away and how do I over come that.
I tried to be bold yet being different is hard and I’ve been mistreated for not being like everybody else, where do I fit in? I tried success, but I am cursed so never mind…rejection is all I get.
I tried everything I could just so I could have a better year. I knew on the 31st December 2019 that 2020 was going to be hell and trust it was more than hell. Even the devil himself wouldn’t handle half of my pain.
Therefore on the last day of this year, I am not going to make it special. Because for me it’s just a day. And tomorrow is another day not a new year, because there won’t be anything new about it. Just another day of more misery and pain for me. When everyone smiles, I’ll be crying.
Just like how I predicted this year, I am also positive that 2021 wont be any different. And I promise not to force things, I won’t try to have a better life, I am giving up.

PS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP.

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas
Is a day of peace and quite
A day of no tears and pain
A day without feeling depressed
Or having anxiety attacks
A day where you learn to smile
A real smile without breaking apart
A day of give thanks to being alive
And not feeling suicidal.
I just want you to be happy
And enjoy this day with all your loved ones

All I want for Christmas
Is for everyone to have a happy,
MERRY CHRISTMAS

©Kitty Minaj

Who Can I Run Too

Who can I run too?
When days are dark
Filled with sleepless nights
And endless horror

Who can I run too?
When my mind is blink
And my chest is burning
Struggling to breath

Who can I run too?
When I need an ear to listen
A heart to love me
And month to tell me “It’s okay”

Who can I run too?
When depression controls my mind
And anxiety ruling my life
And death denying my faith

Who can I run too?
When you can’t seem to care
And you can’t even be there
The one I love just disappear

Who I can I run too?
When I can’t recognize my own reflection
And I become a strange to myself
Losing the one I used to be

Who can I run too?
When the world is immune to my pain
And my struggles never seem to end
And I fail to help myself

Who can I run too?

©Kitty Minaj

Damn December

I thought you had a heart because you make everyone happy, even though you are very stressful but you are also full of joy, laughter and togetherness. But for me this time you’ve been different, very unkind and a bit cruel I must state. I am really upset, December, what’s going one? Are we fighting, I mean what’s with the ditching?

Okay, let me slow it down. I had so much plans for you. I thought this December was going to be the best because I had a rough sad and painful year. I needed a break from the hell I’ve been through. I planned to be happy and have fun even though I don’t party nor drink alcohol. I thought I’d still make the best out of this.

Plans were to: do my green awesome hair but instead I did pink because I am not going anywhere special no more. I wanted to go somewhere really fun and exciting, I wanted to be with my new kinda-yet-young-very-young friend of mine with a couple of few people but no plans where made. Now I am, plan-less and more depress. Going to hospital and clinics lately…it’s really killing me.

I mean, damn December, you’ve been very boring. Even the television is boring, nothing good is keeping me entertain or stressless. I need to get my mind off things. Hash tag less depressed. Another thing, you have been cruel to my relationship, are you trying to get me alone or what because you’ve been trying to break me up with my boyfriend. Fighting and breaking up and making up then again vise verse. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, give us a break. We love each other.

Everyday is being full of tears and locking my self. Hash tag anti-social. This is not me, I even hate taking picture. I used to love taking picture, about a hundred a day, now, never. I don’t know what’s wrong, please torn it down December. I need a break and I need you to help me on that. You’re the only month that specializes in breaks and peace, why wont you help me. Let me be free for a moment.

Right now I lost a big part of my life and I don’t know how to deal with that. Please help me, I know it’s not too late and I am stronger than I look. Anybody capable of dealing with a mental illness is a hero. Hercules. Don’t lose hope on me, I just need to rest and be free even without being happy. Just be gentle a little. I pray you answer my prayers or request for that matter, don’t be like November. I trust you, Damn DECEMBER, till we meet again.

Pleading, LEE

Couldn’t Give Me A Chance

To My Unborn Child

I don’t know why you had to leave so soon. If you went ready, you shouldn’t have came because now I have fallen in love with you. I know it’s so soon but I have longed for the day that I’ll get to hold you, see your pretty face and your tiny body. I swear I would have loved you more than anything in this world. Because I already did.

I apologize if my womb wasn’t comfortable for you. Maybe you would’ve stayed. I’m a messed up being and that I know, honey I’m broken and i dont know how to deal with that. You felt that, maybe that’s why you left. You couldn’t bare the pain of being with me and so is your dad and everyone I know.

I am unloved but I know how to love, and I loved you so much without even seeing your face. The morning sicknesses wasn’t easy to deal with, the laziness, the stomach cramp, back pain and feeling bloated was crazy for me but it was worth it. My mind was set on seeing you. And I wished you could have waited abit longer.

I wish you gave me a chance. To be a better person and an awesome mom. I believe you were my pain relief, I thought I’d learn the unconditional love. I was ready to make you happy, I was ready to do anything for you. Kill for you, bend and break for you, love and hate for you. Do everything and anything just to see you smile and be truly happy.

I was ready. I was ready for you. I don’t have much to give but I was going to spoil you so much. Feed you all the sugars in the world, I’m joking about that, but all I am trying to say is that I was ready to give you what you need, this and that expect for sugar. I was ready to see you grow into a man or woman you wish to be. And I vowed that I’ll support you in any dream you have, cause I remember having crazy dreams that were smart and all I needed was support.

Maybe I wished to much and you couldn’t bare it. Sad thing is that I already visualized you and how you’d be. And I felt you’d be like your dad but with my mindset. Have his hazel eye lens but the shape be mine. Have my smile and his attitude. Be optimistic like him yet kind like I am. Have my legs and a body like his. Be light skinned like him and bold like me. Be a dreamer like me and a hustler like both of us.

I hope you’re just as I imagine. I’m sorry we couldnt meet in person. And i am not mad that you couldnt stay even though i dont understand. I feel like its my fault. If it is, then I apologize for everything. I wish you gave me a chance. Just one chance. It’s okay now. Yet it hurts. Especially when months pass by and knowing anytime soon, you would be here yet you not.

I’ll miss you. Sucks that I didn’t even get a chance to see if you had a huge head like your father. I hope not. Your name will remain yours. For you were not a mistake. That’s why losing you hurts so much because I have lost a part of me and that is you. My world is collapsing just thinking of you and what you could’ve been. The me i couldn’t be. Rest In Peace My Baby, let your spirit be with me forever. For I’ll never forget you and who you were suppose to be.

Love, Your Unseen Mom

©Kitty Minaj