I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.
Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.
But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.
Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
My brain soaking under water
Struggling to not give up
But overwhelmed with circumstances
My back against the wall of needles
Struggling to carry all the baggage
Alone, for no body seem to care
My heart silently break apart
Struggling to mend it’s own faith
For life is too much to bare
My soul is drowning
Struggling to breathe
Crowded by pain and suffering
All that I am but cannot be
For every step I take is a struggle
For life always knocks me deep down.
I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul
On this day, I want to make a change. A change that can help me ease the pain.
On this day I wanna forgive…well, I wanted to forgive my self but I have been doing that the whole year and it hasn’t work at all.
I tried to accept who I am and my pain but I am more confused than I should and maybe it’s because I don’t know who I am anymore. I tried to love me the way I need to be loved but how can I love me when no body loves me, I mean what is it about me that pull them away and how do I over come that.
I tried to be bold yet being different is hard and I’ve been mistreated for not being like everybody else, where do I fit in? I tried success, but I am cursed so never mind…rejection is all I get.
I tried everything I could just so I could have a better year. I knew on the 31st December 2019 that 2020 was going to be hell and trust it was more than hell. Even the devil himself wouldn’t handle half of my pain.
Therefore on the last day of this year, I am not going to make it special. Because for me it’s just a day. And tomorrow is another day not a new year, because there won’t be anything new about it. Just another day of more misery and pain for me. When everyone smiles, I’ll be crying.
Just like how I predicted this year, I am also positive that 2021 wont be any different. And I promise not to force things, I won’t try to have a better life, I am giving up.
PS: YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE UP.
All I want for Christmas
Is a day of peace and quite
A day of no tears and pain
A day without feeling depressed
Or having anxiety attacks
A day where you learn to smile
A real smile without breaking apart
A day of give thanks to being alive
And not feeling suicidal.
I just want you to be happy
And enjoy this day with all your loved ones
All I want for Christmas
Is for everyone to have a happy,
Who can I run too?
When days are dark
Filled with sleepless nights
And endless horror
Who can I run too?
When my mind is blink
And my chest is burning
Struggling to breath
Who can I run too?
When I need an ear to listen
A heart to love me
And month to tell me “It’s okay”
Who can I run too?
When depression controls my mind
And anxiety ruling my life
And death denying my faith
Who can I run too?
When you can’t seem to care
And you can’t even be there
The one I love just disappear
Who I can I run too?
When I can’t recognize my own reflection
And I become a strange to myself
Losing the one I used to be
Who can I run too?
When the world is immune to my pain
And my struggles never seem to end
And I fail to help myself
Who can I run too?
I thought you had a heart because you make everyone happy, even though you are very stressful but you are also full of joy, laughter and togetherness. But for me this time you’ve been different, very unkind and a bit cruel I must state. I am really upset, December, what’s going one? Are we fighting, I mean what’s with the ditching?
Okay, let me slow it down. I had so much plans for you. I thought this December was going to be the best because I had a rough sad and painful year. I needed a break from the hell I’ve been through. I planned to be happy and have fun even though I don’t party nor drink alcohol. I thought I’d still make the best out of this.
Plans were to: do my green awesome hair but instead I did pink because I am not going anywhere special no more. I wanted to go somewhere really fun and exciting, I wanted to be with my new kinda-yet-young-very-young friend of mine with a couple of few people but no plans where made. Now I am, plan-less and more depress. Going to hospital and clinics lately…it’s really killing me.
I mean, damn December, you’ve been very boring. Even the television is boring, nothing good is keeping me entertain or stressless. I need to get my mind off things. Hash tag less depressed. Another thing, you have been cruel to my relationship, are you trying to get me alone or what because you’ve been trying to break me up with my boyfriend. Fighting and breaking up and making up then again vise verse. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, give us a break. We love each other.
Everyday is being full of tears and locking my self. Hash tag anti-social. This is not me, I even hate taking picture. I used to love taking picture, about a hundred a day, now, never. I don’t know what’s wrong, please torn it down December. I need a break and I need you to help me on that. You’re the only month that specializes in breaks and peace, why wont you help me. Let me be free for a moment.
Right now I lost a big part of my life and I don’t know how to deal with that. Please help me, I know it’s not too late and I am stronger than I look. Anybody capable of dealing with a mental illness is a hero. Hercules. Don’t lose hope on me, I just need to rest and be free even without being happy. Just be gentle a little. I pray you answer my prayers or request for that matter, don’t be like November. I trust you, Damn DECEMBER, till we meet again.
To My Unborn Child
I don’t know why you had to leave so soon. If you went ready, you shouldn’t have came because now I have fallen in love with you. I know it’s so soon but I have longed for the day that I’ll get to hold you, see your pretty face and your tiny body. I swear I would have loved you more than anything in this world. Because I already did.
I apologize if my womb wasn’t comfortable for you. Maybe you would’ve stayed. I’m a messed up being and that I know, honey I’m broken and i dont know how to deal with that. You felt that, maybe that’s why you left. You couldn’t bare the pain of being with me and so is your dad and everyone I know.
I am unloved but I know how to love, and I loved you so much without even seeing your face. The morning sicknesses wasn’t easy to deal with, the laziness, the stomach cramp, back pain and feeling bloated was crazy for me but it was worth it. My mind was set on seeing you. And I wished you could have waited abit longer.
I wish you gave me a chance. To be a better person and an awesome mom. I believe you were my pain relief, I thought I’d learn the unconditional love. I was ready to make you happy, I was ready to do anything for you. Kill for you, bend and break for you, love and hate for you. Do everything and anything just to see you smile and be truly happy.
I was ready. I was ready for you. I don’t have much to give but I was going to spoil you so much. Feed you all the sugars in the world, I’m joking about that, but all I am trying to say is that I was ready to give you what you need, this and that expect for sugar. I was ready to see you grow into a man or woman you wish to be. And I vowed that I’ll support you in any dream you have, cause I remember having crazy dreams that were smart and all I needed was support.
Maybe I wished to much and you couldn’t bare it. Sad thing is that I already visualized you and how you’d be. And I felt you’d be like your dad but with my mindset. Have his hazel eye lens but the shape be mine. Have my smile and his attitude. Be optimistic like him yet kind like I am. Have my legs and a body like his. Be light skinned like him and bold like me. Be a dreamer like me and a hustler like both of us.
I hope you’re just as I imagine. I’m sorry we couldnt meet in person. And i am not mad that you couldnt stay even though i dont understand. I feel like its my fault. If it is, then I apologize for everything. I wish you gave me a chance. Just one chance. It’s okay now. Yet it hurts. Especially when months pass by and knowing anytime soon, you would be here yet you not.
I’ll miss you. Sucks that I didn’t even get a chance to see if you had a huge head like your father. I hope not. Your name will remain yours. For you were not a mistake. That’s why losing you hurts so much because I have lost a part of me and that is you. My world is collapsing just thinking of you and what you could’ve been. The me i couldn’t be. Rest In Peace My Baby, let your spirit be with me forever. For I’ll never forget you and who you were suppose to be.
Love, Your Unseen Mom
I loved the water but I never had a chance. I loved the idea of swimming even though I never swem before…I remember I’d dreamed of how the water felt, I thought I’d feel the blue water tinkle around my body, and the warmth of the floating water hugging my weight. The touch of each drop in the pool would bring me up to life like a mermaid it’ll protect me and feel me up with life.
And I’ll never forget the first I saw the pool. It was magically and I’ve never seen water being so beautiful. It glowed like I imagine, it gave me a tinkle in my eye like a wink of water. It was chilly. I got close really slow because I didn’t know what to expect or maybe I was terrified. Even though I was excited.
I dipped one leg in the pool and life never felt so strange. It’s still called my name so I dipped another leg. It was so cold, satisfyingly cold. It felt like ice on a wounded scar, like the first time you realise your crush will never be into you. It made me scared. I couldn’t understand. I’ve dreamed of being in a pool my whole life but suddenly it meant nothing. So I decided to have fun.
I slowly lowered my body into the pool and it never held my body. For a moment I dropped down but I was able to get a crib. So I held on to the sidelines. I was floating in my control, my body felt numb and foreign. The stillness of water reminded me of pain. The past become the water and I couldn’t run if I can’t swim.
So still, I looked at the water, reminiscing about everything. We can not run away from where we come from. We can not hide where we’ve been. What happened can not be erased or forgotten no matter what.Time is still like the pool and it’s a reminder for us to act or drown.
That’s when I let go of the crib…and even underwater, drowning wasn’t enough to make me feel. And I couldn’t drown the pain, the wounds, the scars and the trauma of life. Underwater time doesn’t tick. And you don’t die for life underwater is calm, still and patient.
No one saved me, I had to open eyes and held my breathe even though my chest was filled with water. I let go of control, let my body be light so I could float. I couldn’t breathe the moment I got out the pool yet no one notice. I was drowning, I could’ve dead and no one would know. And that hurt more than drowning.
Every now and then I go to pool and dive underwater for hours just to feel numb. Just for peace…the water understands. It never judges. And it has taught me so much, that action doesn’t promise success or satisfaction. Peace is key…and in order to learn how to swim we need to drown first. So dive in and let me drown.
I know it hurt right now
I know it hurts so much
And you wish you could just elope from your own body.
I know it’s even hard to smile
The mask has gotten really heavy lately
But your strong, really strong
And I know it’s hard to hear that,
When you feel like you're dying inside.
Drowning in your own sorrow,
Can’t get a crib, just can’t save your self.
Life is hard and you don't know why,
But it’s okay, just take a breathe
Close your eyes and breath really slowly
I don't know if everything will be okay
But I know that you will be okay
We need to let go of all the pain
The past, the tears, sadness and traumas
Let’s not waste today because of depression
When you feel you want to cry,
Get up and dance or sing loud
Write or watch funny movies
And trust me horror movies help too.
We can’t fix what’s broken inside
But it’s not impossible to deal with it either
Love you for your mental health
Because for what it’s worth, it made you a better person
Very unique and rare, one of a kind beautiful soul.