Mental Health · Writing

Manic

Like little creatures crawling inside you
Causing discomfort and endless episodes
You want to sit down but you want to get up
Makes you feel like you're losing your mind
Why can't you make up your mind?
With every thought comes with the pain
With the pain, comes all the trauma
And suddenly,you slowing lose your breathe
Like needles been stuck to your nose,
As the tears burn your face
Feeling like your soul is been ripped out of you
You try to scream but no voice can come out
Helpless and hopeless you wait till it ends
You wait...
In pain,you wait...
Wishing you could die, you wait...
You wait...
You can't fight the darkness in you
So you wait...
...

Like a hot ball been shaved in your chest
You suddenly catch a breathe
Even thought the oxygen hurts, you let it in
Until, numb is all you can feel,
For you are broken
Manic


©Kitty Minaj
Mental Health · Motivation

Holding On

It’s like I was born with a broken heart.
Everything I touch shatters into pieces,
With every breath I take, I come apart,
Almost has if I wasn’t meant to live this life,
Like I am trapped in the worst matrix,
Even hell could be better than this,
For the walls keep caving in on me
And the cold keeps surrounding me.
A torture I could not bare but been receiving all my life
A package of unknown sicknesses
And drowning by the pills of all the diagnosis.
I can’t handle the pain of my tears,
Yet I still battle to understand my purpose,
Even when I am stranded alone in the dark
For hope is like love, not easy to let go
Therefore when my days gets darker
I keep holding on
For I know the moon lights the night for a reason
And someday I might find my moon
Or not…
But I’ll keep holding on.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · suicide note

I’ll Never Be Okay

I walk around with a wounded mind
Over-analyzing the smallest task
And sacrificing my purest heart
To a world of cruelest doom
Misunderstood by my own people
Broken by the one I love most
And hurt by life itself
Abandon by my greatest demons
Left alone with just pain and scars
The devil is no where to be found
When darkness filled my soul
Who can I be when I’m broken?
Where can I run when I’m alone?
How do I breath in the dark?
What happened to love being a savor?
Is love a lie?
Where hope is all lost
And no direction to move forward
Knowing I’ll never be okay
Do I accepting my faith
Or keep hurting?

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · suicide note

I’m Not Going To Cry…

I’m not going to cry
I deserved it, I deserved it
The endless pain and misery
Who am I to be free?

I’m not going to cry
I caused it, I caused it
The hatred and the loneliness
Who am I to be loved?

I’m not going to cry
I forced it,I forced it
To live in sadness and fear
Who am I to be happy?

I’m not going to cry
I earned it, earned it
The depression and the vicious sicknesses
Who am I to be well?

I am not going to cry
I’ll end it, I’ll end it
My life with pills and poison
Who am I to be alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Poetry · Writing

Oh My August

Oh my August
Rise up from the dust
Clear the dark skies
And hear all my cries

Oh my August
Look around, I am rust
Rescue me and shine my life
Steal away the internal strife

Oh my August
Who can I trust?
When I am in pain and hurt
For the world is immune to my shout or blurt

Oh my August
Unchain me from this lust
Restore the girl I was
That loved herself so much


©Kitty Minaj
Mental Health · Writing

Writer’s Block Dilemma

I want to write again
For my chest is filled with sorrow
Burning and blocking my breathe
Yet this pen cannot express

I want to write again
All these emotions are hurting me
And the stress I cannot run away from
For this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When these thoughts fill my mind
And painful my brain becomes
When this pen cannot express

I want to write again
For my heart has had enough
And there is no one to hear me out
But this pen that cannot express

I want to write again
For this life is to much to bare
When you’re all alone with no purpose
As this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When anxiety tortures my soul
And depression consume my brain
While the pen refuse to relieve my pain

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · Mental Health · suicide note

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Mental Health · suicide note

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj
Poetry · suicide note

April Feel…

April feel
My brain soaking under water
Struggling to not give up
But overwhelmed with circumstances

April feel
My back against the wall of needles
Struggling to carry all the baggage
Alone, for no body seem to care

April feel
My heart silently break apart
Struggling to mend it’s own faith
For life is too much to bare

April feel
My soul is drowning
Struggling to breathe
Crowded by pain and suffering

April feel
All that I am but cannot be
For every step I take is a struggle
For life always knocks me deep down.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · Mental Health · suicide note

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj