Depression · Mental Health · The mask

Heart Of Stone

Heart of Stone
Blind from the truth
Weak from within
Breaking in silence
Strong in public
Fooling with charm
Yet dying inside
Heart of stone
But cares too much
Selfless is natural
Cries in the dark
Mask, to brighten your day
Yet heart never rest
Heart of stone
So heavy for my soul
Regrets trouble my sorrows
Peace fading like day
Memories haunts my spirit
Heart of stone
Traumas never end...

©Kitty Minaj
Depression · Mental Health · The mask

Engulfed

Twinkling star beneath my feet
Yet my sky is shaded black
Take me high above the moon
Let me cry out like a wolf
Fill my soul just like the night
Let me rest without a scare
Hold me tight, be my demon
Free my mind and let me smile.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · love · Mental Health · suicide note · The mask

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell

Depression · The mask

Warmth Of My Demon

I lay dead on the floor
When darkness filled my skies
And pain come like rain
Couldn’t understand the void inside
It trembled in the worst moment
Crushing my vains like a venom
And slowing hurting my soul
Til I felt nothing but cold
I screamed out, LORD
Till my voice dried out
And my strength warn-out
So cold and half dead
I hoped for someone to help
And no one came for days
Yet suddenly I felt warmth
A blanket on top of me
The demons came for me
They heard my cry and pain
And I knew, that we’re never alone.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · self love · suicide note · The mask

How Do I Love Me?

How Do I Love Me?
I asked, looking at the reflation of a broken girl
Her eyes blood red
She doesn’t want to be alive

How do I love me?
When I can’t stop the overflowing tears
That comes like a heavy rain
Even when I am very happy

How do I love me?
With all this pain in my chest
And anxiety choking my neck
While depression destroys my brain

How do I love me?
With all the abuses from my past
And voices telling me I am not enough
I’ll never make it alive

How do I love me?
When everytime I wake up with a smile
They throw stones of hate at me
Complaining that I act better than them

How do I love me?
With all the suicidal attempts
Selfishly praying to die
Trying to escape reality

How do I love me?
When you don’t even love me
Hurting me with your lust
And pushing me away with you lie

How do I love me?
When I feel so alone
With no where to hide nor run
And no one to call or talk too

Truth is I do love me?
As me, broken and bruised
Alone and cold with passion
Unloved but alive yet dead inside.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · Motivation · suicide note · The mask · Writing

Hush Broken, Baby

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Go to bed and close your eyes
I know it’s hard but please just try
Say something postive even if it’s lies

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
You’re feeling outta place and outta mind
Sadly, it won’t get better that’s no lie
But you got to keep going and be kind

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Got to be strong in this cruel world
Even when the robe needs to be tied
Seems like the only way to reach the Lord

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
You can overdose and numb the pain
You’ll just fall alseep but won’t die
Satisfying your suicide thoughts is no gain

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Depression is a phrase and it sucks
Just retreat to your room and outcry
For anxiety is hell but it can bring lucks

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Let your hope fly just like a dove
There’s always someone who’s willing to try
To hold you tight and show you love.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · suicide note · The mask

Incapable Of Healing

Last week I cut my wrist
Trying to escape the bitterness of life
My wound was really deep
For blood was spilling out like water in pipe
But sadly, the knife couldn’t reach my vain
I fall asleep and woke up the next day
Guess the wound wasn’t deep enough
But it did hurt like hell
And with time and with pain pills
The pain vanished like thunder
And blood dried up like rain
Few days passed and the scar healed slowly
That only made me sad…
Sad that some things are able to heal.
Why can’t the wounds of our hearts do the same
why can’t they heal in time
All we get is quotes that claim that things get better with time
But truth is, they don’t.
The pain you feel in your heart is not flexible but stable.
It stays the same.
And no matter how hard you try
It’s hard to get used to it
So do we really heal?
If not… why is the heart incapable of healing.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · love · Poetry · suicide note · The mask · Writing

Dear Heart, I Am Tired!

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of your doleful moments
Never a flash-back of happiness
Promising me that my life will always be dole

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of you aching every time he leaves
Climbing he’ll never come back
For he never loved me

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of the anxiety attacks
Why should I suffer when I breathe
Am I not meant to be alive?

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of all my never ending sorrow
The wounds I can’t let go of
Seems to get worse with time

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of wearing this mask
Because it hurt when I smile
For now it seem to be heavier than before

Dear Heart, I’m tired
of life’s cruelty
The endless beating of nature
The infidelity of faith

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of all the pain I face
Each day and night it hurts
To be alive and watch you break

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of the overflowing tears
The blood red swollen eyes
The draught that won’t seem to dry

Dear Heart, I’m tired
Of being tired all the time
Please help and numb the pain
Or just stop beating, so I can rest.

 

The mask · Writing

April Fool

April, Am I A fool?
For waking up with a smile today
Claiming to be happy and blessed
When it’s just a shitty day
And inside I feel empty and sad

April, Am I A fool?
For puting my faith in March
To help me with my dreams and goals
Did I ask for too much
For now I am shattered and cold

April, Am I A fool?
For believing in my self
Never giving up with so much passion
Now I feel stupid and small like an elf
For I will never succeed in this dimension

April, Am I A fool?
For believing that he loves me
Because he beings me joy and happiness
Where else he just lust me
For he makes me feel sad and worthless

April, Am I A fool?
For thinking I could be loved
Because I am pretty and kind
But everybody wants to leave me caved
And treat me like I am hard to find

April, Am I A fool?
For trusting that I belong here
Utilizing my freedom and skills
But it’s hard to survive when no one’s there
To help the pain that lurks and kills

April, Am I A fool?
For being depressed
Leting anxiety take my breath
Got to let go of the hurt that I expressed
As I write to inspire the one who will read.

-♡KittyMinaj♡

Motivation · The mask

Can’t Force Love

For a long time, I’ve struggled with this thing called love to the point that I believed that love was the destroyer of life. I believed that when you’re in love that’s when you get hurt more. But that all changed when I myself fell in love.
I was so depressed at one point and love found me, and made me blossom to a new and awesome environment. I never thought that I could be happy until I saw his face looking back at me. Who knew that a human could make the world a better place, could make life seem exciting and worth living.
But nothing last forever and that’s fact. And what’s more painful is when you’re attached. He fall out of love with me, he started to mistreat me by all means. The paradise I was in become real hell, but I refused to let go and I stack around hoping the devil would change back to being an angel.
I told myself that one-sided love is enough for both of us but that only made me miserable and sad. I lost my self trying to make him love me. And now after all I’ve done and given him, he disappeared with no trace and I was left more broken than I was before. Though that wasn’t loves fault but mine.
I refused to let go when I had too. I lost myself trying to find him back in my life. I forget to love me and put myself first. I lost me and my worth. Love is great but people are not.
We blame love for being blind where-else we choose to be blind to our situation. We prefer comfort over what we really deserve.
And I learn that you can’t force love, that thing works on it’s own with it’s own mind. If it’s not meant to be let it go. Because the only thing you can do is give someone a chance to love you back. Don’t force them to love you. Love yourself enough to be loved back.