Widows vibrated to the cold breeze
Freezing the walls till they sweat
I felt my heart on my chest
As I held you near with passion
Sensed a smell so different all of a sudden
A scent I can’t recognize yet familiar
So I asked innocently for conformation
Thats When you turned your back on me with anger
But the scent of the girl brought fear
Of lose and betrayal
Till I ran back to the past for comfort
His words brought me joy and security
A long lost spark that I fail to resist
But his voice I recognized as pain
Now I’m back to square one
A place I never wanted to be
Yet I seem to always be
Guess this is where I belong
Back to the past.
I know sometimes when you look in the mirror
You don’t like what you see;
The Pain weighing on you,
A broken soul struggling to breath,
And your own flesh dying on you
Because I know sometimes
The world can seem so blurry
And the struggles won’t seem to end
And all you can do is break down and scream your lungs out while asking why.
Why is the silence so loud?
Why is the room so empty?
Why is my faith so distant?
Trust me…it’s okay
And I know that it doesn’t feel okay
In fact it feels like it’ll never be okay
But if you let your self cry
Drain everything away
So you can finally see clear
That love is all you need
Therefore you’ll learn to look at the mirror with love
No matter how hard life gets
Or how broken the mirror is
Believe me, a smile will always reflect on you
And life will be worth living
For you’ll learn to honor your pain
And that it’s part of growth
And accept your flaws
While allowing imperfection to take it’s course
And finally find the purpose to love yourself.
Ready for my fresh start
But just like art,
I need to follow my heart
And take it step by step at a time
I need to make decisions that a smart
Be able to set my goals apart
Because in life it’s okay to restart
To take your time and make things right
And let go of all your baggage, sweetheart
You always have a chance for a new start
A fresh start
As I am writing this latter, I am deep in tears but don’t worry I am about to wipe them away.
See, life hasn’t been easy for me at all. For about 12 years now; I’ve been through hell and back, kissed the demons and dated the devil, my soul lived in fire and my heart was drowning in lava, and for long time I longed for rain but only thunder came like rainbow.
Depression became my worst enemy. But he taught me to be kind and be a better person, he gave me so much strength and power letting me know I can do anything I set my mind into but he also reminded me that life is controlled by nature and every decisions we make have to be approved by nature, and I realize that nature is not by my self, it doesn’t favor me any how.
It took me a long time to accept the girl looking back at me in the mirror but with anxiety, you learn to accept your flaws because when anxiety strikes, you feel your whole life caving in on you and the more you try to break out it’s the more it close in on you to the point that you can barely breathe. Then for a while you learn to relax and that’s when you’re able to breath again.
Its not fun to take mental pills, it hurts when you have to depend on the mood pill to keep your moods in-check and to depend on the sleeping pills to keep you from restless nights. But life is a journey, March, and I am learning everyday because looking back its been a long roller coaster and a never ending one.
Yesterday I went to bed, with a mind set on giving up on life because I couldn’t bare the pain anymore. It hurts to be alive and that’s a fact. And more painful to breath with mental illness but death isn’t an opinion. I don’t know why I am alive but I am willing to explore my purpose again.
Today I woke up really sad but that motivated me to work on myself. I don’t like this feeling at all. I am going to keep working as hard as I used to because giving up is now who I am. I love to write, March, and that’s what makes me feel alive and loved, I will live to write and express my feelings to the world while helping others whom are going through what I am going through, I want to let them know that they are not alone even though they feel alone. I don’t have a friend or anybody to talk too but my blog.
Therefore today I am choosing to succeed in my failures. I am choosing to work hard and keep my dreams alive. I wont try anything else that’s going to break my heart. I wont try to make money at all. I will keep writing with no financial benefit because writing makes me happy.
I am going to let my fashion control my moods. Style makes me feel loved and normal in a unique way. I will exercise everyday to gain my self-esteem and read everyday to keep my mind healthy. I will eat as much as I can to keep my life in balance.
And I need your help March, to make all these goals come true. I ask for you to be kind on me. You’re support will be much appreciated.
What is Love??
Is it the shade of red in a heart
The blood flow in my vains
The unstoppable beat of my heart
The nervous flow when we touch
Or is it the the way you look at me?
Irristible feeling of your lust
Is it the darkness of a broken heart
The grumbling tears of the falling sky
A peace of a sobing rose
The grave of what could’ve been
Or the memories of what we had,
Reminding us of a spark of true love
For i am for you
And you are for her
The instability of a relation
Cause the most undeniable storms
The silence of a dying love
When the morning blossom with a scar
Of broken bottles that we shared
On the night we thought we cared
Of each other before the sheets
Fell out of the bed with our naked bodies
Lies were our romance
And lust was our connections
Though love was never in our minds
And care never reached your heart
Cause using me was your intention
And I pleased you to be loved
Therefore pain came when you left
Even thought you were honest,
About your feelings and what this is about
My heart still got wounded
For truth hurts more than lies.
When the wind was cold
Full of broken sorrows
I woke up happy in the mist of your love
The sky was clear
And the birds were singing
To the rhythm of my heart
I found happiness in your smile
Even if it’s just for a day
Each hour feels like thousands years
Of greatness and joy
In a world where pain don’t exist
But lurking through the window
Where love is all we share
A day with you, i could never forgot
Though i woke up to a lonely morning
For you were not there.
With all the bad deeds thats happening in my life
And with depression trying to break me apart
Struggling to breath with these Anxiety attacks
Facing the walls of failure that i can’t break
Today i took time to let go of this pain
The baggage is heavy
Yet peace is free
So i took a breath
And let tranquil fill my life
For so many years
I closed my eyes and cried
For i felt alone in the mist of a crowd
But today my tears have dried
Though i couldn’t bare the pain in my heart
So i decided to check the wound
But when my eyes opened I couldn’t see a scar
I saw that there was no one by my side
I was truly honestly alone.