Falling Apart

I woke up with a smile
Even though I couldn’t breath
I managed to get up
When my chest was weighing on me
The bath tub filled up with tears
Because I couldn’t hold back the pain
The stranger in the mirror reflecting on me
Couldn’t comfort my grieving soul
When the mask trembled down
I couldn’t share a smile
For what lurks deep inside
Is breaking me apart
And knowing that I can’t fix it
Makes my whole life a misery
So I went back to sleep
And watch my days turned into nights
With no one asking if I am alright
Had to tell myself that it’s okay
Alone and depress I’ll always be
This is a life I was meant to live
But I can’t help falling apart

©Kitty Minaj

June Stress

Dear June,
I woke up with my head blocked out
And my eyes swollen from tears
My heart worn out from all the pain
Blood boiling cold numbing my skin
Enabling all the emotions back
The questions of 'what if?' But mostly 'why?'
Crumble deep inside my bones
With the fear of the future
Lurking in the depth of my spine
The pain of tomorrow being worse than today
Seemed to be the stress I always face,
But cannot seem to disappear in my vains
For time makes every situation complicated
And stress seem to only be multiple
As I begged for freedom
From thinking of all my pain
And June stress to just go away.

Stressed out
Lee

©Kitty Minaj

Writer’s Block Dilemma

I want to write again
For my chest is filled with sorrow
Burning and blocking my breathe
Yet this pen cannot express

I want to write again
All these emotions are hurting me
And the stress I cannot run away from
For this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When these thoughts fill my mind
And painful my brain becomes
When this pen cannot express

I want to write again
For my heart has had enough
And there is no one to hear me out
But this pen that cannot express

I want to write again
For this life is to much to bare
When you’re all alone with no purpose
As this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When anxiety tortures my soul
And depression consume my brain
While the pen refuse to relieve my pain

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

If The Walls Had A Heart

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my innocence
When I grew to be hated
Confused and asking why to the room

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my anger
Of redemption that I never got
From the God I prayed for help

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my pain
Of all that I been through
Failing to heal the wounds

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my need
To escape this cruel world
One suicide attempt after another

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my resentment
Trying to learn how to forgive
By blaming my self for everything

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel the hurt
That love filled me with
While hitting me to the walls

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my soul
How truly broken I am
But always faking my strength

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my heart break apart
As the world curse me with mental illness
And unloved I felt with so many questions

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas
Is a day of peace and quite
A day of no tears and pain
A day without feeling depressed
Or having anxiety attacks
A day where you learn to smile
A real smile without breaking apart
A day of give thanks to being alive
And not feeling suicidal.
I just want you to be happy
And enjoy this day with all your loved ones

All I want for Christmas
Is for everyone to have a happy,
MERRY CHRISTMAS

©Kitty Minaj

Heart Of Stone

Heart of Stone
Blind from the truth
Weak from within
Breaking in silence
Strong in public
Fooling with charm
Yet dying inside
Heart of stone
But cares too much
Selfless is natural
Cries in the dark
Mask, to brighten your day
Yet heart never rest
Heart of stone
So heavy for my soul
Regrets trouble my sorrows
Peace fading like day
Memories haunts my spirit
Heart of stone
Traumas never end...

©Kitty Minaj