Will I Break?

Will I break?
If I decide to forgive
Not just me but everyone
Including love for everything he did and will still do

Will I break?
If I stripped down naked
And he sees all he wanted to see
Including the flaws and insecurities

Will I break?
If I let him mend my broken heart
Trusting he won’t break it more
As I let him see my vulnerability

Will I break?
If I just love him without fear
Being all that he needs and wants
And never expecting his love back

Will I break?
If I just put my trust in him
And never doubt his love
Yet appreciate all his effort and the years

Will I break?
If I just forget about this question
Because he knows my issues yet his still here
Imperfect yet he holds me like a goddess.

©Kitty Minaj

Jan I’m Worried

I am glad to see you, January. You’ve always been the better month of them all and I am delighted that you’re here. It’s a new year and I am so pleased to have been granted a chance to be here. To make new choices and discover more about myself and who I am meant to be. But I am so worried about the next chapter…
I never thought that I would write the same things I wrote in the past year but I am worried. This should be a writing about the excitement of the new year but instead I am writing about what’s depressing me lately. Change is always been challenging. It’s just hard. I am scared of it. I don’t want to change but I have to.
Everything around me is changing, the beauty of the flower I used to love, the youth of my own parents, the eyes of my own reflections, the heart of my lover and the actions of all the people I used to know. The most terrifying change of all is the growth of my age.
I love who I was before and I still do but does independence comes with a notebook or request because somehow I feel like I need to change who I am just so I can fit in into the dynamite? What is change exactly, is it the format of changing who you are for a better new you or is it the format of changing what’s around you to accommodate your own desires?
I am worried to take the next step in life because I don’t want to be hurt no more. And I’m worried that also me being worried could result in me hurting my faith and self even more. Therefore what do I do when the cruelty of not knowing troubles my soul.
January, I pled to you to help me figure out the way forward. I need to move on in this musty road I face. I hope you’ll be there to guard me and help me through.
And please help everyone make better choice for this new year. Let everyone enjoy with love and success. And please, January, deal with covid-19, his trying to possess our lives, make a plan to stop his evil plans.

To change
Love new year.
©Kitty Minaj

Couldn’t Give Me A Chance

To My Unborn Child

I don’t know why you had to leave so soon. If you went ready, you shouldn’t have came because now I have fallen in love with you. I know it’s so soon but I have longed for the day that I’ll get to hold you, see your pretty face and your tiny body. I swear I would have loved you more than anything in this world. Because I already did.

I apologize if my womb wasn’t comfortable for you. Maybe you would’ve stayed. I’m a messed up being and that I know, honey I’m broken and i dont know how to deal with that. You felt that, maybe that’s why you left. You couldn’t bare the pain of being with me and so is your dad and everyone I know.

I am unloved but I know how to love, and I loved you so much without even seeing your face. The morning sicknesses wasn’t easy to deal with, the laziness, the stomach cramp, back pain and feeling bloated was crazy for me but it was worth it. My mind was set on seeing you. And I wished you could have waited abit longer.

I wish you gave me a chance. To be a better person and an awesome mom. I believe you were my pain relief, I thought I’d learn the unconditional love. I was ready to make you happy, I was ready to do anything for you. Kill for you, bend and break for you, love and hate for you. Do everything and anything just to see you smile and be truly happy.

I was ready. I was ready for you. I don’t have much to give but I was going to spoil you so much. Feed you all the sugars in the world, I’m joking about that, but all I am trying to say is that I was ready to give you what you need, this and that expect for sugar. I was ready to see you grow into a man or woman you wish to be. And I vowed that I’ll support you in any dream you have, cause I remember having crazy dreams that were smart and all I needed was support.

Maybe I wished to much and you couldn’t bare it. Sad thing is that I already visualized you and how you’d be. And I felt you’d be like your dad but with my mindset. Have his hazel eye lens but the shape be mine. Have my smile and his attitude. Be optimistic like him yet kind like I am. Have my legs and a body like his. Be light skinned like him and bold like me. Be a dreamer like me and a hustler like both of us.

I hope you’re just as I imagine. I’m sorry we couldnt meet in person. And i am not mad that you couldnt stay even though i dont understand. I feel like its my fault. If it is, then I apologize for everything. I wish you gave me a chance. Just one chance. It’s okay now. Yet it hurts. Especially when months pass by and knowing anytime soon, you would be here yet you not.

I’ll miss you. Sucks that I didn’t even get a chance to see if you had a huge head like your father. I hope not. Your name will remain yours. For you were not a mistake. That’s why losing you hurts so much because I have lost a part of me and that is you. My world is collapsing just thinking of you and what you could’ve been. The me i couldn’t be. Rest In Peace My Baby, let your spirit be with me forever. For I’ll never forget you and who you were suppose to be.

Love, Your Unseen Mom

©Kitty Minaj

Bereft

It’s sad to say goodbye
I promise I’d never cry
It hurts what I feel inside
And it’s beyond my pride
So I let the tear fall down my eye
As I look up to the sky
Wondering if you feel my pain
For what I lost has no gain
You took my heart with you
Yet you never loved me too
Imperfect I understand
But your ignorance I couldn’t stand
It hurt me so bad
No body ever made me this sad
You showed me no care
Yet you were always there
Being you that always lie
Who knew our love would die
For it lasted long enough
And I believed it was really tough
Never thought we’d be apart
Like a shirt, you ripped my heart
Never needed anything, my love
But for you to show me love.

©Kitty Minaj

Why Is Love So Forgiving?

•For it is filled with anger
But holds no grudge
•It hurts so much
Yet it’s the amazing kinda hurt
•It is an emotional ride
That is filled with so much warmth
•It breaks you apart
But filles you up inside
•It makes you cry everynight
Yet gives you joy everyday
•Love is not so easy
But it is patient and indeed so kind
•Love is Forgiving
For it is pure and when it is true.

©Kitty Minaj

Love That Lasts Forever

I admit I'm not over the past
Because it hurts every time you text me
Just know that I don't blame you
For I failed to make you love me
It sucks that I'm still angry 
Because when you say I love you
I want to cream I hate you
crazy that with all the pain
I still can't run away from you
 I don't know what the future holds
But I feel like I'll be holding your hand
Even with all the drama
I know this love will last forever.

©Kitty Minaj

Life Is Hard

Life is hard, no kidding.

The moment we were born, we’re expected to face life like it’s just a walk in a park even thought in that situation we can barely walk. You see, how life is? One is expected to do something while they can’t do anything. Example, I am expected to breath through the blockage in my throat and the baggage in my chest but fact is I can’t breathe. And reality is that I have to battle with that not even everyday but every time I try to think.

Just a thought, could lend me to the floor struggling to gasp for that air. And when I inhale that little oxygen, the moment I try to exhale the carbon dioxide I’d be tortured. The gas will weaken my lungs and burn my chest while my heart beats fast trying to save it’s own soul. When you’re about to give up, anxiety decide to let you be.

A baby cries when they are born because of the discomfort of another dimension, different place or setting is really terrifying; they don’t know the aspects they about to face and they don’t know nor understand why they have to be removed from there comfort zone. Comfort is safe and the unknown is scary. But life is not like that, it’s a roller coaster they say, in fact it’s like a game for me.

Life is a game because there are a lot of stages we have to go through, and each stage gets harder and harder, and never easier. Trust me. If someone told you that life gets easier with time, they lied big time, because time is just growth and experience. It has nothing to do with life. If so, don’t you think that our elders would be living their best life, rich or poor, they’ll be celebrating their rewards.

Life is different and upsetting; because we are going through a lot and most of our pain is really deep. Sad thing is that we don’t know why we’re going through what we’re going through: did we do something wrong that now we’re punished for or are we cursed? Confusing because some of us the pain never disappear, from stage to stage the pain continues like our purpose in life is to bare pain.

The unknown is what makes things very hard about living this life. This life is precious I must state, very precious filled with amazing wonders and experiences. We have been granted the gift to learn and explore the beauty of life. With blessing comes a curse, when push comes a shave and the world seem to sit on your shoulder, can’t help but break down and wish life had a handbook or something you can refer to for answers.

Just imagine how easy life would be if we had a book to refer for answers. When we have questions like why am I dark and my friend is light, why am I born in this family and why do I have low blood etc etc. It would be so much easier to be who we wish to be because at that point we would know exactly what our purpose in life is. Sadly that’s a myth.

Life is hard and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is master our patience and have faith in our hearts. Love, as much as it hurts it’s a blessing and a drug of life, it fills us up with passion and happiness. So hold on to that love, but only the kind of love that transform your heart and consume your mind with anger and pleasure. And that can also be self-love.

It’s hard to overcome pain, especially when it’s emotional and mental pain. It’s life, lets accept it, we don’t choose the book cover of our story but all we can do is just write it. We are given a choice to narrate our lives. Destiny depend on us even though faith is what we can’t rewrite nor change. Life is hard and we’re strong therefore lets keep breathing till the end. I wish you well, and I hope you will rewrite your book of life with strength and positivity.

©Kitty Minaj

Worst Girlfriend

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all this pain in my heart
Preventing me to feel loved

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With depression in my mind
Preventing me to let go

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With anxiety consuming my breath
Preventing me to live my life

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all the hurt in my soul
Preventing me to trust the one I love

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all the abandonment in my life
Preventing me to believe his not here to stay

Feel like the worst girlfriend
With all the insecurities from my past
Provoking me to be territorial

Feel like the worst girlfriend
Maybe because I know his got no love
Playing me is what he seem to be doing

Feel like the worst girlfriend
For I LOVE HIM so much
He makes me happy and sad, it just hurt.

©Kitty Minaj

Love Smokes

Puff, Puff love smokes
His lung out till he chocks
Trying to get away from this world
Yet the ground is where he belongs

Puff, puff love smokes
Till his high as the cloud
But the higher he gets
The lower he floats

Puff, puff love smokes
His problems up like a goat
But the more he pull
The more miserable he feels

Puff, puff love smokes
Blaming his girl for his wrongs
For the truth has been blinded by the vapor
Distant from her, he became

Puff, puff love smokes
Fading like the vapor on the air
Losing his lover for cheap gas
That only jeopardizes his health

Puff, puff love smokes
One pull closer to his death
Second pull, his completely alone
Last pull, too late his addicted.

©Kitty Minaj

Run Back To Past

Widows vibrated to the cold breeze
Freezing the walls till they sweat
I felt my heart on my chest
As I held you near with passion
Sensed a smell so different all of a sudden
A scent I can’t recognize yet familiar
So I asked innocently for conformation
Thats When you turned your back on me with anger
But the scent of the girl brought fear
Of lose and betrayal
Till I ran back to the past for comfort
His words brought me joy and security
A long lost spark that I fail to resist
But his voice I recognized as pain
Now I’m back to square one
A place I never wanted to be
Yet I seem to always be
Guess this is where I belong
Back to the past.

©Kitty Minaj