Let Me Drown

I loved the water but I never had a chance. I loved the idea of swimming even though I never swem before…I remember I’d dreamed of how the water felt, I thought I’d feel the blue water tinkle around my body, and the warmth of the floating water hugging my weight. The touch of each drop in the pool would bring me up to life like a mermaid it’ll protect me and feel me up with life.

And I’ll never forget the first I saw the pool. It was magically and I’ve never seen water being so beautiful. It glowed like I imagine, it gave me a tinkle in my eye like a wink of water. It was chilly. I got close really slow because I didn’t know what to expect or maybe I was terrified. Even though I was excited.

I dipped one leg in the pool and life never felt so strange. It’s still called my name so I dipped another leg. It was so cold, satisfyingly cold. It felt like ice on a wounded scar, like the first time you realise your crush will never be into you. It made me scared. I couldn’t understand. I’ve dreamed of being in a pool my whole life but suddenly it meant nothing. So I decided to have fun.

I slowly lowered my body into the pool and it never held my body. For a moment I dropped down but I was able to get a crib. So I held on to the sidelines. I was floating in my control, my body felt numb and foreign. The stillness of water reminded me of pain. The past become the water and I couldn’t run if I can’t swim.

So still, I looked at the water, reminiscing about everything. We can not run away from where we come from. We can not hide where we’ve been. What happened can not be erased or forgotten no matter what.Time is still like the pool and it’s a reminder for us to act or drown.

That’s when I let go of the crib…and even underwater, drowning wasn’t enough to make me feel. And I couldn’t drown the pain, the wounds, the scars and the trauma of life. Underwater time doesn’t tick. And you don’t die for life underwater is calm, still and patient.

No one saved me, I had to open eyes and held my breathe even though my chest was filled with water. I let go of control, let my body be light so I could float. I couldn’t breathe the moment I got out the pool yet no one notice. I was drowning, I could’ve dead and no one would know. And that hurt more than drowning.

Every now and then I go to pool and dive underwater for hours just to feel numb. Just for peace…the water understands. It never judges. And it has taught me so much, that action doesn’t promise success or satisfaction. Peace is key…and in order to learn how to swim we need to drown first. So dive in and let me drown.

©Kitty Minaj

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