Depression · suicide note · Writing

‘You Are Strong’

I went to bed in misery and depression hurting my mind.
I woke up in so much pain with anxiety drowning my soul.
Usually I am terrified of physical pain but today I had to tie the rope.
But as I was at the edge of kicking the chair, I got a call from mom. She kept calling till I got irritated and answer the call.
In my surprise, she started talking about how grateful she is to have me as her daughter, and that I am the only person she depends on. With me around she believes that the future could be brighter than ever.
I took a gasp in confusion of why is she telling me this, out of the blue. And with that she then added the most powerful words, ‘YOU’RE STRONG!’
She said, ‘I have seen broken people and none of them were able to handle pain like you, I have been hurt and I am depending on pills to help me out but you are so strong without them. You are able to control your anxiety while dealing with depression. You go to hospital and back and smile like nothings wrong. You walk in a room and light it up like you have everything figured out when you don’t. I know nothing in your life is going your way and it hurts me so much to see you work hard to no success every time but trust me I know you will win eventually. You’re smart and really determined, you inspire everyone around and those who follow you. You’re the strongest person I know and I am so proud to even call you my daughter.’
I hanged up the phone because I couldn’t hold back my gasp, I cried out so loudly. I felt all the bandage in my chest to the point that I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I got on my knees and shout out ‘WHY’
It hurts to be live and it hurts to pretend that I am strong but now I don’t have a choice but to keep being strong for my mom. She is happy when I am strong. When she doesn’t she see me break down and cry my eyes out at night.
So If being strong for mom means staying alive, I don’t mine being her strength and giving her hope.
Beside everybody has something that keeps them alive and now I also found my reason for living.

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