Depression · Sometimes · suicide note · The mask · Writing

I Didn’t Cry

Yesterday I had a break down. Lately life’s been complicated and everything’s been taking a wrong turn. For once when I believe that love will save me, it seems to hurt me more.

I started crying in the morning, because I felt really lonely. I needed someone to talk too or just someone to give me a hug. 10 minutes hug. I had nobody, and that made me cry so much.

I went to my bedroom and I felt Nicki Minaj coming alive from the poster on my wall. Decided talked to her; I told her everything, how I felt and how much I wish she could thrust a knife in my heart and remove it.

I got up from the floor; wiped my tears as I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. ‘Why can’t I be happy?’ I sobbed, ‘Lydia, you need to quit, let go of all the dreams and goals because without them I won’t expect a better life and I won’t cry so much when rejected.’

‘Let things happen on their own because you were born to fail not succeed’ I continued to convince myself.

For a moment I broke down and cried like somebody died. Because I couldn’t remember a day being happy. I’ve been unhappy since I was young. With that, I told Nicki Minaj about the painful childhood I had, it was a long story and with each memory brought more heavier tears.

Nicki Minaj told me everything will be okay. And that’s when I went to the mirror and said, ‘No, Nicki, since I was young I’ve been telling my self that but nothing is Okay…it seems like the more I grow the more things gets worse. Everything won’t be okay, Nicki, but that’s okay.’

Gazed straight in my eyes through the mirror, ‘You are a failure. You will always fail, please get that in your mind and let my heart accept it. It’s okay to give up, Lydia, maybe your purpose is to fail because not everyone will succeed that’s the balance of nature (rules).”

“Forgive life and forgive yourself. I’m sorry for everything, for the dreams you had and the goals I made you follow. For pushing you so hard to succeed.”

Be grateful for what you have and let go of what you can not change. Nobody will get me because I’m different(I feel like an alian sometimes). And no one will support me because they think I’m perfect and every guy will always lust me because I’m too sexy to be loved appearantly.”

“It’s okay to be broken and I am grateful for this pain because no one could bare it but me.”

“This is my life. Tomorrow will always be worse than today because everyday I will lose or fail at something. When everybody wakes up with a purpose to serve, I wake up with preparation of being strong when life knocks me down.

I wiped my tears and as soon as I saw how swollen my eyes were because of crying too much I decide to stop crying. I kissed the reflection of my self and apologized.

Today I woke up with a free spirit. I didn’t have a headache, my neck didn’t hurt at all and I didn’t feel tired nor lazy. In fact I felt really hype.

-I got mean comments on social media (I didn’t cry).
-Some girls made fun of me (I didn’t cry)
-Again I got a rejection email from a modeling agency(I didn’t cry)
-I failed a test(I didn’t cry)
-A group of girls came to me and slap me for a boy I don’t even date (I didn’t cry)
-I told my boyfriend I couldn’t see him because I had to study and he dumped me(I didn’t cry)
-Mom denied me (I didn’t cry)
-And I felt like my sister’s kids are stealing my mom away from me (It’s okay they need her mom.)

I went to my bedroom and thought about everything that happened today. It feels like I’m cursed. I thought I’d cry with that thought but I didn’t.

It seemed like I wasn’t hurt even though I had a horrible day. I feel like I finally accepted the fact that I’m a failure. I didn’t expect anything good to happen today and suddenly I realized that I didn’t cry.

I pour my heart out and had a bad day but I didn’t cry.

I think we break our own hearts at times because it’s a choice to be broken (and I’m learning that.) Accept everything the way it is and I promise your heart shall never ache. Your tears will always be dry.

You won’t cry.

I Didn’t Cry.

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