Depression · suicide note · The mask · Writing

What Am I Living For?

Chilling in the dark
ear phones on and music so loud
trying to escape the pain
but each verse brings more tears
couldn’t hold it in
and i couldn’t run from my self
there is no where to hide.
Cause pain is real
and reality is a bitch
with no feelings.
Why am i alive??
I understand everyone is here for a purpose
and since i was 13 i accepted that my purpose is to face pain
deal with pain, maybe it’s i’m stronger.
But with depression and anxiety it’s hard.
It’s like walking around with a knife on your mind and chains around your heart
each day is like trying to breath in the deepest edge of the sea.
My therapist told me that life gets better with time
trust me she lied
each second is a beat of a broken heart, every minute i feel the pain inside because every hour is a different drama which makes every day even more harder to breath.
Each night i pray so hard to vanish with a day
for tomorrow is scarer than ever because i know my future can never be better.
So today i’ll be grateful if i never make it tomorrow.
Why can’t pain kill??
Because it hurts so bad
more than any physically pain i know.
Why are dreams so deceiving?
Life doesn’t care if you have goals
and working harder doesn’t mean you will succeed
because when you’re destined to fail, you’ll always fail.
Steve Harvey said jump because saying you are curse is just an excuse…
I believe in words and so i jumped
i jumped hard
i kept jumping
but when i touch the top, i fall down so hard
got up in tears and i jumped again
i fall again…hurt my self
but still i jumped again and i touch the top
and this time it was like it pushed me
i fall and broke my bones.
So I let my self recover, while planning and making goals
because I’m not a person who gives up easily
so when i got fit and my plans where ready
i took a long jump and landed on the top
but guess what, i am destined to fail
so i fall down again.
But till this day, I’m still jumping and never gave up.
Watching everyone around me get to the top without jumping.
And all i ever wanted and mostly needed in life was to be a model. I could model for free, i want to model for free
because being able to see myself in a magazine or walking on the runway is everything that money can’t measure. It’s all the payment i need.
All my friends are models now
and most of them don’t like modeling
imagine the pain of watching them do what they hate which is what i love.
If it’s karma then….
Karma is a bitch too.
Will i ever be happy?
i can’t lie though
when he is around, happiness is reachable
since i have bad lucks
my soul mate is gone, left me with no goodbye
in a world of confusion, he was the only one i could run too. He was the only one that listened and he was the only one that made life worth living because he showed me happiness and how it feels like to be loved. And for that I’m grateful
for once i had a purpose to breath
and for once i had someone
he loved with no doubt
he runaway
because i loved him with fear
Why can’t i kill myself?
pain is horrible
but having depression and anxiety, and being smart at the same time can overpower death or any harmful acts.
But i have feelings too
i care so much
that makes it hard to be selfish
I’m living for my parents
who I’m so grateful too
and I’m alive because i understand that no matter how life treats me, i was born for a reason.
I was born to live not die.
But I’d be more grateful if death visit me.
Wow…that’s scary
got myself scared for a second
so i turn on the computer
to have some light in this dark room
that’s how i feel about my parents
they are like that little light in my life
they light up my world a bit
they are the only blessing in my life
and i am more than grateful to have them.
I could never ask for better parents
but i do wish i was somehow related to Steve Harvey
Why i admire Steve Harvey?
His funny, he makes me laugh so hard that i forget about my troubles for like hours
he is smart like me
he always motivate me on so many ways
giving me that boost of encouragement
telling me that i will make it eventually
he makes tomorrow worth waiting for
saying it might not be great but it could be better
he helps everyone and that’s how i want to be.
With all the power he has, i want to make a difference in many peoples lives like him.
Back to reality
i won’t get that chance
not ever
but that’s okay
I’m still helping most people as much as i could
and 99.9% of the people i helped turned against me, most stole from me and some back-chatted and made me a bad person to the world.
I’m not perfect
I’m not better
but when you cry, i don’t mind wiping your tears
but please have a heart and don’t cut my hand.
Why am i sad?
from birth, i was hated
by close relation
from a young age, i learned family is not where love is.
from a teenage stage, i witnessed hatred
and i learned that no body loves me at all
but I saw many boys being attracted to me. Sexually.
Now i realize that the past made me angry
my physiologist told me to forgive and forget
and i learned to forgive but no matter how hard i try, i can’t seem to forget.
It’s not their fault, It’s mine.
I blame myself for everything.
With all the modeling audition i went to and all the rejection from agencies, I’ve learned that I’m not likable, not even little
I’m not good enough
and i can’t be fixed even with a touch of make up.
So each day i lay in bed
the only question on my mind is
What am I living for?
to dream in back and white
to watch my goals turn into quotes
to fail as much as i try
to live with so much passion and lack of opportunities
to listen to everyone tell me i should be a model
to breath through writing
and to let go through crying.
What am i living for?
someone tell me, please.๐Ÿ˜ข

2 thoughts on “What Am I Living For?

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