Sitting in front of a taxi on a long way home. Looking at nature with my right corner eye. The world seems beautiful but dry and the road was refreshing but depressing. The oxygen was hard to inhale as i try not to cry, can’t help but feel sad. Not because i lost a contest but because i lost everything.
Yeah i lost everything. I lost my future, I lost my dog, i lost my dignity and even emotionally lost my parents. Everything I had I don’t have now, everything I love and cherish is taken from. I have nothing. Although im not alone I still have no body, lost my b.f too. And all in all….i lost myself.
I lost myself. I lost me searching for you. Searching for a place to call home. Searching for someone to comfort and help when I’m down. Seems like no one cares for me. No one’s there for me. I’m just a lone rider on my own world cause no one understands me, not even my parents. The pain and confusion of having them treating me like I’m worthless, hurts the most. They’re my parents, i expected so much from them cause they gave birth to me. But unconditional love or any love isn’t for me. Love!!
Love?? To tell you the truth, i know what it is but i don’t know how it feels like. I love love. I wish i had it. Maybe it’s because i want it so bad that i can’t even find it. I’ve been inlove alot and with every guy I dated ends up hurting me. Honestly I don’t know why, Maybe it’s because I love too much. They all end up cheating on me but i understand I’m a loser. No body wants to crown a loser.
Yes….i am a loser. Born a loser. That’s why I don’t even have friends. I’m all alone in this world. I tried everything not to be lonely. I’m a girl with a version and a plan. A girl of dreams and passion. I live by my goals which I don’t achieve no matter what. I dont know why. I try so hard but i don’t succeed. Why??
Why?? Why can’t I become the person I want? Why can’t I be successful? Why it is that i don’t succeed? Trust me most days I feel like I’m cursed as my dad said. It hurts, it hurts so bad lord. Every single day i feel like throwing away the towel. I just want to give up on life. Why can’t I kill myself?? Why is it hard? My dreams are flashed before my eyes. And all that i want doesn’t want me. That is to be a model.
Model!! All i wanted in life was to be a model. Only one thing. And i still want to be a model. Grant me the opportunity and I’ll do it in a heart beat. I don’t care if im doing it for free, just let me show you my passion, express my desire and show you how powerful my strength is. But with all that, i haven’t heard an opportunity, only had rejections and excuses. Like I’m short or my face is for commercials etc. But even commercials rejected me too. Yes I tried it all.
Tried. I’m tired now. I’m tired of trying so hard. So i kind of gave up. Because i gave up I didn’t have anything to do, no goals to set and dreams to achieve or passion to follow. So i started reading. From magazine stories to novels. I enjoyed novels, it allowed me to express the good life of someone else. Yeap some start sad but they all end good. And that made me wish life could be like that, having happily ever after.
Happily ever after. Gosh how I wish for that. I thought maybe I will have a happily ever after, like every novel has bad then good. Maybe my life is bad now and eventually will be better. And So i started writing each day. And i enjoyed the expression of my feelings through pen and paper. I began to wrote short stories which my class mates loved and someone advised me to write a book. And so I did, started it with a clear version and passion, admiring my work in every chapter until i got stuck on Charpter 7. I couldn’t finish the book. So i wrote another one cause I had a lot of ideas but still i got stuck too. And i wrote another, I wrote like seven books that i couldn’t finish. Writers block even though i knew how I would end each of the books. I even had two publisher interested in my first book called UNFAITHFUL, but sadly deadline killed my loyalty cause I couldn’t finish the book. So hey maybe I’m not a writer.
I’m not a writer. But i wanted to write so I can let someone going through what I’m experiencing to know that he/she is not alone. And to keep on going even when it’s hard. Suicide is not an option. Yes it hurts and trust me I think and wish of dying everyday I open my eyes to face a fresh day but it’s not worth it. I might not make it in future or even in forever but I’ll be proud of myself to know that i made it with all this pain and confusion in my life. I am strong, really strong. To face the world with a smile when I feel like frowning. Screaming in fact. Life is hard sweedie it was never easy babe. Not at all. Especially when one is a loser.
Loser….yeah loser for life. Tried everything. Lost everything. And gained nothing. Sad right?? No. It’s painful. It’s painful to not know where you are or going. Not knowing what tomorrow brings. To not know who you are. Who am i?? Who is Lydia?? How do I know who I am when my parents don’t even know me. They misunderstand me😭
I don’t wish for better parents but i do wish for them to understand me. Respect me as much as i respect them. Love me as much as i love them. I’m their last born I understand maybe they used too much love on the kids before me. So care will do, but they don’t care as much as i need them too. All they do is try to control me, control my mind my emotions. I’m not perfect and I’ll never be. I have anger and sometimes I react when I don’t have too but that’s because they expect me to be perfect. They judge me like a book. Just because they don’t understand it don’t mean it ain’t it. Now i can’t even talk to them. Can’t even ask for a 50 cent. I still love them.
I love them so much. They showed me that love it is indeed just a feeling. Doesn’t have a value. Love fades easily cause it’s not strong yes it’s amazing but it hurts. My dad showed me that love is an object, it’s a rule: You have to be stupid to have it, You have to follow it to sustain it, and most importantly dad taught me that love is an egg that i have to guard with my naked eye 24/7, with a 98.9% guarantee to break. Mom showed me that love is deaf, it cannot hear at all. She taught me that to love is seeing not hearing and what you think is what it is.
Everyone in my life has showed me that love is a magnet it attracts the opposite, like loving someone who don’t love you. Giving someone heaven then they smash you with hell. Giving them your all but getting nothing in return. I love you but you don’t love me. Everyone taught me that love is a Job, work hard and do right to sustain it even when it’s not guarantee that the job is for you.
Love has showed me hell and taught me to hate. I HATE myself. All I wanted was to love and be loved, and now I am lost instead. Life has taught me alot. I grew up believing that life is what you make of it but now I know that life is what it makes of you. You are who life designed you to be. And i believed that everything in life is a choice but now I know that everything in life is a purpose. What’s meant to happen happens but what you choose always backfires. With all that, life is amazing when you are a winner.
Each and everyday i fake a smile while each and eveynight I break down and cry. The mask I put on everyday is very heavy, but I’m strong. So each day i live like my life is perfect because i don’t want to shout out that I’m a loser. I don’t want to lose what I’m left with. Even though it’s not enough but it is what’s keeping me going. I failed alot and I’m still failing but I’m grateful.
Being a loser is my purpose. My job to serve on earth. A loser is born not made. You can’t create a loser/me. So yeah I give up on everything now. I will sit back and observe life. I’m grateful to the opportunity I get everyday. I’m grateful for being an extra in an everyday tv episode and from now on I won’t try to be a feature. I’m grateful for this blog for it has allowed me to write and let my words to be heard but i promised I won’t try to be a writer. I am grateful for being sexy and beautiful although I will always call myself a model from now on I won’t approach agencies or do pageants. And i am grateful for the people that are attracted to me but i promise from now on i won’t try to make them love me. I am done. Losers don’t dream they breath ….
….I’M STILL BEATHING…..