Like a memory my heart became It was never the same Born with so much scars in my faith Tears were all I could share in life Love was always hidden in my view Yet it manage to break me apart I grew stronger in time But in time I become weaker My soul couldn’t bare all the wounds And my sorrow couldn’t carry the baggage Tried so hard to heal this pain But a curse runs in my veins It took away my passion and dreams Left me with no one to run too But a darkness I couldn’t face Yet it surrounds me with fear This life is hard to live My heart hurts, it’s hard to breathe Like fire burning inside Feels like I could rip it apart Who on earth can heal this heart?
My soul has had enough In this world I do not belong Yet I can not seem to escape Have mercy on me, February I can’t bare anymore pain How many times do my heart have to break In order to gain my freedom of life Or do I not deserve to live in joy Do I not deserve to live with love Fix me, February, my heart aches Numb my wound and hide the scars Please restore my sorrow Fix me, February, it hurts Trying to breath in darkness And to smile with so much trauma Oh please fix me, dear February Teach me how to forgive My self for all this pain And life for being so cruel Teach me how to love The smallest things life has to offer And myself when love’s being distant.
Crystal darken my vein Blooded became my eyes Dried was the cry of tears That lurks deep in my soul Consuming the passion of my pain Deep within a wounded heart Lies a crystal of the world Yet heaven stolen the peace Of a hell reflected in my mirror Frozen was the flash of warmth Filled with pure hate That protects a wondering life Devowed by a dark crystal.
Trapped by my own mind When life became unkind I was broken inside Nothing in my life was right My world was falling apart Humanity continued to rip my heart I had no where to run Got to pull a trigger in this gun For time couldn’t heal my pain Wounds was all I could gain Rapped by my own fears Drowning in my own tears Scotch by expectations Wrinkled was the situation A life in darkness I remained in my own nest Being alive felt like a crime Wrinkle was my time
I am glad to see you, January. You’ve always been the better month of them all and I am delighted that you’re here. It’s a new year and I am so pleased to have been granted a chance to be here. To make new choices and discover more about myself and who I am meant to be. But I am so worried about the next chapter… I never thought that I would write the same things I wrote in the past year but I am worried. This should be a writing about the excitement of the new year but instead I am writing about what’s depressing me lately. Change is always been challenging. It’s just hard. I am scared of it. I don’t want to change but I have to. Everything around me is changing, the beauty of the flower I used to love, the youth of my own parents, the eyes of my own reflections, the heart of my lover and the actions of all the people I used to know. The most terrifying change of all is the growth of my age. I love who I was before and I still do but does independence comes with a notebook or request because somehow I feel like I need to change who I am just so I can fit in into the dynamite? What is change exactly, is it the format of changing who you are for a better new you or is it the format of changing what’s around you to accommodate your own desires? I am worried to take the next step in life because I don’t want to be hurt no more. And I’m worried that also me being worried could result in me hurting my faith and self even more. Therefore what do I do when the cruelty of not knowing troubles my soul. January, I pled to you to help me figure out the way forward. I need to move on in this musty road I face. I hope you’ll be there to guard me and help me through. And please help everyone make better choice for this new year. Let everyone enjoy with love and success. And please, January, deal with covid-19, his trying to possess our lives, make a plan to stop his evil plans.
Happy New Year Love Called at 23:59 But anger pushed it away At 00:00 love come with a huge smile I didnt know why a new year was happy Until love held my hand It gave me hope And it told me, this is a new start You’re free, to change for us To forgive for love To accept the doings of nature Love then squeeze me so tight In the arms of love I felt pain Then love said, it’s going to be okay I am not going anywhere I’ll be here when you need me Love then kissed my forehead And said, happy new year, mental patient I giggled, and couldn’t stop smiling It was a happy NEW YEAR INDEED.
On this day, I want to make a change. A change that can help me ease the pain. On this day I wanna forgive…well, I wanted to forgive my self but I have been doing that the whole year and it hasn’t work at all. I tried to accept who I am and my pain but I am more confused than I should and maybe it’s because I don’t know who I am anymore. I tried to love me the way I need to be loved but how can I love me when no body loves me, I mean what is it about me that pull them away and how do I over come that. I tried to be bold yet being different is hard and I’ve been mistreated for not being like everybody else, where do I fit in? I tried success, but I am cursed so never mind…rejection is all I get. I tried everything I could just so I could have a better year. I knew on the 31st December 2019 that 2020 was going to be hell and trust it was more than hell. Even the devil himself wouldn’t handle half of my pain. Therefore on the last day of this year, I am not going to make it special. Because for me it’s just a day. And tomorrow is another day not a new year, because there won’t be anything new about it. Just another day of more misery and pain for me. When everyone smiles, I’ll be crying. Just like how I predicted this year, I am also positive that 2021 wont be any different. And I promise not to force things, I won’t try to have a better life, I am giving up.